Elementary School Revisited

I’m really not sure what made me think of this, but boy am I really glad I did. Who remembers that cheesy game girls used to play in elementary school called MASH? MASH is kinda like that thing you’d make with paper, only I don’t know what that thing is called or how to make one anymore. You’d write down the names of boys, cars, jobs and crap and it was supposed to ‘predict” who you’d marry, how many kids you’d have, if you’d live in a Mansion/Apartment/Shack/House, etc… You really can find anything on the internet and if you don’t believe me just Google “virtual drug dealer” and you will find quite possibly the most horrifying and awesome game on the internet. Second to “virtual drug dealer” is the game MASH (By the way, if you play VDD I suggest buying the coat with the extra pockets and never refuse gifts from your crackhead friend).

So I found MASH and immediately remembered the days of elementary school when you’d put all the cute boys names on the list and play. To make it a little more fun and to make me seem like more of a creeper, I decided to use Caps/Bears names because after all, I do love the Caps/Bears. Here are my results and I would just like to point out that I did not fudge the results at all.

Yes, that’s right…I will marry Brooks Laich. I must say I was pretty excited when ‘one of the ice guys’ were the first to go off the list. However, I was sweating it when the 15 kids were one of the last two options. I am a little sad too that I won’t get to be an epic bitch, but I will get to shamelessly self-promote my husband Brooks Laich through charity work and stuff. I’m pretty excited about that. However, I am concerned that we’ll be living in Hershey. Not only are the property taxes extremely high, but that would mean he’d be getting some type of demotion. That is not good.

Just having a little fun on Christmas Eve day.

Happy Holidays from Hockey Is My Boyfriend

I figured this would be a nice alternative to holiday cards. To wish you a Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanzaa, I enlisted the help of some hockey players…Eric Fehr, Brooks Laich, Patrick Kaleta, Chris Bourque, and Andrew Gordon. I must say these elves have got some pretty good moves. Check out Eric Fehr breaking it down! Anyway, Happy Holidays!!!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Fun on Behalf of Mike Green

It wouldn’t be a Monday or any day of the week ending in -day if we couldn’t have fun on Mike Green’s behalf. As of Monday, December 20th, the five-day moratorium on Mike Green heckling is over. This post is pretty epic in length, so that’s why I’m starting it on Sunday. If you’ve been reading this blog you know there are two things I love more than chirping Mike Green. That’s chirping Chris Bourque and watching television. Most good tv shows are on break now so there’s nothing really good on and I’m trying really hard to not think about Chris Bourque being in Hershey again. It’s like the Christmas present that you really don’t want and can’t return. Anyway…

You might be asking me, “you really give Greenie a hard time. Why?” Easy. Because. No. I love Mike Green (in a completely different, non-naughty way than I do Brooks Laich). I really do. But over the past few years Green has got a little too big for his jock strap (ew, gross thought!). He’s changed from a sassy Calgarian into this flamboyant city guy and making fun of him is just fun and easy. Everyone does it. Like picking on the fat kid in elementary school. You know you did it, so why deny it. Anyway, moving on again.

If you remember a few weeks ago, I was bemoaning the fact that Mike Green was Tweeting after a pretty craptacular loss. In his Tweet he was telling everyone to “not hate”. Play on playa hata! Whatever I just said. That same night Meghan from The Hockey Chronicles was yelling at Greener, reminding him he was white.

That got me thinking (yes I know how dangerous that is) about a book (that is also available in web format) called “Stuff White People Like”. As urban as Mike Green thinks he is, he is white. Here’s proof. I would like to thank CapsKat19 and megHamonster for their awesome Google image search skills. Without their help this post would not be possible. I have no idea where they found these, but if the image is yours and you’d like it to be removed, let me know. No copywright infringement intended.

#4. Assists
So this isn’t actually a picture of Mike Green assisting on a goal, but let’s pretend it is. Not only is Mike Green the kind of offensive defenseman that likes to score goals, he also likes to assist. Since his professional ice hockey career began he has assisted on 196 goals (2008 Olympics stats included). This year he is currently ranked 1oth (league-wide) in assists. Our Greener likes to pass. Too bad he doesn’t like to play defense that much anymore.

#40. Apple Products
If you’ve ever seen any Caps-related video you know that Greener loves him some Apple. In his Caps Cribs episode, you see his new Mac in his bedroom, plus the Apple logo he painted in his off time and his Macbook in the living room. He Tweets from an app on his iPhone. Mike Green loves Apple and was contributing to their $4.83 billion net income and 14.88 percent profit margin in FY2008. Stimulate that economy.

#106. Facebook
Greenie is in the digital suburbs with Facebook. I never Facebook stalked Mike Green or even looked to see if he had a personal Facebook page. I do however know he has a fan page. I was a fan and I’m secure enough to say that. Just like I’m okay saying I follow GreenLife52 on Twitter. Look at that picture and I bet you’ll never guess what Mike Green Facebook’s on? That’s right, a Mac. Greenie loves Facebook and Macs. If I still had a Facebook account, I would totally try to Facebook stalk him.

#79. Modern Furniture
Modern furniture is expensive and uncomfortable. Not that I’m condoning a purchase of that crappy, overstuffed Ashley furniture, but who really wants to sit on a chair that looks like an egg or is about as sturdy as a toothpick? Mike Green, that’s who.

#24. Wine
Mike Green’s wine ‘cellar’ or in this case, room because I don’t think his condo would have a cellar. Anyway, he appears to have a nice collection and is quite a wine aficionado. Unless he’s just posing and all those bottles are really Arbor Mist or Boone’s Farm. Just be glad you don’t see any wine in a box. I wonder what his favorite type of wine is? Greenie looks like a white zin kinda guy. He could be a Bordeaux or Cabernet Sauvignon fan.

103. Sweaters
That is a cardigan and a damn ugly one at that. Check out what SWPL has to say about cardigans:

young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.

Tshirt? Check. Cardigan? Check. Two cool items of clothing.

#111. Pea Coats
Look at that picture and you will without a doubt see that he is wearing a pea coat. I was really wishing I’d find him wearing some type of outdoor performance gear because that would make this post that much more awesome, but I can’t find anything and my Google image masters have already done enough work. I remember in college everyone had a pea coat. Everyone. They were always black too.

As much as I hate to say it, maybe he should have bought that coat in a larger size. I wonder if it’s from the Army/Navy store of if he shelled out $1,000+ for one at Burberry. Either way, the jacket could be a size bigger. I notice a little pulling across the buttons.

#102. Children’s Games as Adults
I have no idea what is going on in this picture, where it came from, if alcohol was involved, why he is wearing sunglasses inside and/or why he is hugging a guy like that, but what I do know is that Mike Green is participating in a rousing game of ….Operation. I would know that game from anywhere. If he can get the spare ribs or the water on the knee, I will be insanely jealous. I could never get the stupid ribs.

Maybe Greenie could have had a career as a surgeon? Paging Dr. Green to OR two. Who knows, he could have even been a TV doctor, like Dr. Drake Ramoray. But let’s hope he wouldn’t fall down an elevator shaft. Poor Joey.

#1. Coffee
White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They are also fond of saying “you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.”

It looks like the camera caught him before he got his morning coffee. That appears to be a Starbucks cup in his hand. I wonder if Greenie has a Keurig and is a fan of ‘fair trade’ coffee. That’d be a great interview question (not really) for someone “Mike, how do you take your coffee?” I’m sure the world wants to know!

#97. Scarves
Mike Green is regulating his body temperature the best way everyone knows how…by wearing a scarf indoors. People do this everywhere. I see a lot of it at work and I don’t get it. Turn the heat up or dress warmer. He’s warm enough to not need a long sleeve shirt, but not warm enough so he has to wear a thin, checkered print scarf. With fringes! The scarf isn’t even covering his neck. Who taught you how to tie a scarf Green? It almost looks like it could be an ascot, which is just weird. I understand some scarves are accessories, but those are the 2′ x 2′ squares that women tie around their neck or guys use a pocket squares. Mike Green, your scarf cannot double as a pocket square and you are not a woman!

#84. T-Shirts
Of course all of Green’s t-shirts are either Affliction or Element or that Obey crap you see Spencer (of Speidi fame) wearing. I thought I recalled a time when I saw Greenlife52 was following Threadless t-shirts on Twitter. At least he’s not sporting the “Getting Lucky in Kentucky” shirt. Classic.

#121. (Funny or Ironic) Tattoos
Everyone knows Michael has tattoos. Lots of them. Are any of them funny and/or ironic? No. However, he does have a tribal tattoo and those kind of tattoos are just as bad as tramp stamps and tattoos of children’s/spouses faces. Creep city. I don’t know why I was expecting him to have something like “GREEN LIFE” across his stomach in the thug life scripty font writing.

So there you have it. Again I’d like to than Meghan from The Hockey Chronicles and CapsKat19 for finding me these lovely pictures. I would also like to thank Mike Green for being a good sport about all the things I chirp him about. I love you Greenie, even if you are a tool sometimes.

Now that my wrist has lost all feeling from all this typing, it’s time to go.

Until later my lovelies!

Crazy Blog Search Terms

Since there’s a five-day hiatus on Mike Green jokes and since I haven’t been to a hockey game since I saw Greg Amadio that night at Giant, I need to blog about something. What better to blog about than the crazy search terms that people use and hit my blog. I know, I kinda just did this a few days ago, but this is a little different. Now I’m just going to pick out the weird and wacky terms. Onward ho…

Who thought of hockey?
No one really knows who thought of hockey or when, but I’ve heard anything from it being a game natives (as in non-India Indians) played or settlers from the UK. The first recorded hockey games were played by British soldiers stationed in Kingston and Halifax during the mid-1850s. In the 1870s, the first known set of ice hockey rules were drawn up by students at McGill University or, to butcher the French language, “Universitie de McGill”. Pretty bad eh?

Chris Bourque drunk
I’m sure he is drunk a lot. Looking at him would be a whole hell of a lot easier if you were drunk. I know you can get drunk playing the Chris Bourque Drinking Game. However, the rules need to be edited since he is not a Penguin anymore.

Brooks Laich lonely
I’m not sure if Brooks Laich is lonely, but if he is I am more than happy to help him out with that. Drop me a line Brooksy. Ovie thinks he’s the ladies man, but in all reality you know the ladies love Brooks Laich. That’s going to be a new nickname for him “LL Hot Laich”. Get it? LL Cool J (Ladies Love Cool J)? Yeah, I know. Work with me people.

Washington Capitals (I also got Washington Capitols) snuggies
Someone is seriously searching for this? They do exist. However I would be very apprehensive to purchase one. Not only is a Snuggie horribly offensive, but one covered with the Washington Capitals Weagle is just tragic.

Kyle Wilson Capitals girlfriend?
Sorry dears, Kyle Wilson is MARRIED. Recently married. There was a write up in one of the Bears programs that followed the Calder Cup on it’s summer vacation. It mentioned the cup was at Wilson’s wedding in the Philly area. I know y’all think he’s cute and whatnot, but move on, he is taken. If you even think about macking on that shit a red warning light and buzzer should go off telling you to leave him alone.

How do hockey player’s travel?
AHL usually by bus and mid-level hotels. If the games are far, far away or if it’s the Calder Cup finals and you’re the rich Hershey Bears, you’ll fly. NHL teams fly and stay in upper-level hotels. ECHL teams charter bus it and stay at like the Holiday Inn (not the Holidae Inn as Chingy would have you believe). I’m sure lower leagues are probably riding the cheese wagon (school bus or something similar) and something horrible like the Red Roof Inn or camping. Euro teams, I think someone told me they bus it and a lot of teams/leagues don’t travel overnight.

Tarik said Kyle Wilson is a scratch tonight. Could he be on his way back to Hershey soon? Since the five-day moratorium is soon over, I’m going to start working on a new post. That way it will be done and perfect when the ban is lifted.

Caps and Avs

Last night was Kyle Wilson’s NHL debut. It was his birfday and he had two points. What a birthday Kyle! Although BB said he could have had four or five. While Kyle isn’t my favorite Hershey Bear, he’s okay and I’m glad for him. There’s an article about his first game and a short clip at the bottom of CSN Washington about his first shift in the NHL. I tried to link it but apparently I can’t so you’ll have to actually go to the article. Sorry. I know it sucks.

 It took me about half of the interview to remind me that Craig Laughin, the guy interviewing Kyle, sounds a lot like Tennessee Tuxedo. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you obviously watched shitty cartoons when you were younger and not the awesome ones I did (either that or you’re younger than me!). In any case, who would I be to keep you from witnessing the awesomeness that is Tennessee Tuxedo and his sidekick Chumley the Walrus. I would give good money to hear Craig Laughlin say “Tennessee Tuxedo will not fail.” Enjoy.

In other news, Mike Green was delivered a crushing blow last night. Apparently his eye is five different kinds of crazy. This morning I didn’t know what was going on but I saw a video of the hit. While I was watching the video, I noticed this and it made me feel slightly bad about the post I was thinking of doing about Mike Green and the Stuff White People Like (so that’s on hold for a bit. There is a five day moratorium on Mike Green humor.) and for a second, and only a very fleeting second, I wanted to give Greenie a hug. I mean, there he is, everyone’s favorite mess. Shaken and lying along the boards after a blind sided hit by David Koci. Where are most of his teammates? Oh, they’re watching the fight between Erskine and Koci. Oh and Jose is skating around, trying to pass the time. No one comes over to be like “hey are you alright?”. Where is Brooksy? Surely he is beside himself that the other half of the Baby Blue Sound Crew is in this predicament.

I would like to millionth the calls for Brooks Laich as next Washington Capitals captain. I heard the Caps were shorthanded on defensemen last night and Brooksy spent the 3rd period filling in. Way to step it up and be the ultimate team player. Nothing wrong with Clark now, but when he’s put out to pasture, I think Cougar Bait should get the “C”. But please tell all the women 35 and up that “C” does not stand for Cougar. It is not an invitation.

In a short aside, John Erskine’s new nickname is Hot Pocket. You can all thank the Miz over at the Fight For Old DC for that. He couldn’t be more right on about it.

Alright, I will catch you all later. I’ve got to finish up holiday shopping! I’m trying to make plans for my next Hershey Bears adventure (they’re not adventures like they used to be). December 26th vs Syracuse or December 27 vs Norfolk might be the only ones I can make. Actually I would love to go to the December 20th game against the Marlies, just for Ugly Holiday Sweater Night. Oh Mark Wotton, where are you when we need you for this?

If a Hockey Player Could Be a Literary Work

Chris Bourque would be a Greek tragedy.

Today the Caps sent Nylander to the Grand Rapids Griffins. I don’t understand the CBA, collective bargaining or anything, but from what I read the Caps still have to pay Nyls which I guess makes him like the highest paid AHL-er ever. The Caps have to pay him but his salary doesn’t count toward the cap, which gives the Caps approx. an extra $5 mil to play with. So what’d the Caps do?

Call up Chris Bourque? The guy they wanted to keep but put on waivers because of salary cap issues? No. They went ahead and called up Kyle Wilson and Karl Alzner. Oh yeah, and they sent Matthieu Perrault down to the HBH.

I tried to not mention anything about Bourque’s return because I don’t care for him, but I guess it’s finally time to talk about the elephant in the room.

So what’s wrong with Bourque? They put him on waivers, the Pens claimed him and that turned out to be a hilarious disaster. Then the Pens waived him and the stupid ass Caps pick him back up. Since his return to Hershey he hasn’t been doing bad. So then why not call him up? I mean, you waived him and picked him up again. There must be something about him you like since you’re so hell bent on keeping him around.

Or maybe it’s some kind of  sick, twisted plot the Caps are hatching to keep Chris Bourque toiling away in the minor leagues so that he never gets called up to Washington and makes them suck, but they keep him because they don’t want to let him go to one of their rivals in the chance he turns out to be decent.

If you’re Chris Bourque, how do you feel about this?

I’m not sure if I feel sad for him or if I’m loving his seemingly lifetime suspension in the minors. Call it schaedenfreude or whatever you like.

In Honor of Mike Knuble…

being a fan of the show Jersey Shore, I decided to superimpose the heads of the Capitals onto the blowouts and bodies of others. Clearly, the quality of the photos is not great. I am really really bad at Photoshop blending and stuff. Be lucky I figured out how to cut the head off one person and paste it on the body of another! Anyway, ignore the bad graphics and enjoy. I would like to thank Get Off Our Island and Guido Fist Pump and Google for any images I might have found.

First up is BMo. This is probably the most hair BMo has had since he was 17. It cracks me up how orange the other two guys are. Clearly, BMo does not fit in with the fist pumpers. He should stick to growing the porno ’stache. The rest are pretty bad, so I’m going to save the two best pictures for last.

He might not be an official Washington Capital, but at one point in time he was a prospect. I’m talking none other than Maryland boy Stephen Werner. Striking a pose, representin’ straight up with the whatever. I’m really bad at this. I love it how giant his head looks but I hate that I keep erasing everyones eyebrows when I try to blend. Moving on…

 

And ShaMo. Again, he’s missing his eyebrows because I suck at blending and it looks like he’s balding. I didn’t know ShaMo knew Joey Buttafuoco? What is up with his shirt? If you look in the background there’s a pretty ugly light and what appears to be some type of candy cane holiday decorations. Why are you wearing a sleeveless shirt in wintertime?

This is quite possibly  the worst one. Fehric doesn’t have an ear because I smudge/erased it. He’s also got one of the highest foreheads ever. Ever. Photoshop skills = fail. I almost feel bad for him. He looks so…pretty, but not in a good way. However, Eric Fehr’s blowout looks awesome. Do you know how much hair gel it takes to get it like that? A lot.

I’m not sure if this is the best one or if the next shot is. This was probably the easiest of the pictures. Greenie’s face fits perfectly. Seriously, not much editing…okay, so really none, was required. I also managed to keep his eyebrows intact which, snaps for me. Is it wrong for me to be frightened of this picture? It’s almost eeriely fitting for Lambogreenie.

Since this entire post started just because of him, I’m going to end on this picture. Noobs is flashing signs, telling everyone he’s “real”. He’s got his gold chain, hair all greased up and teased out, faux-Lacoste polo with the popped collar. He is ready for business as a stone cold pimp. Again, really bad at this urban, lingo thing.

Anyway, that’s that. I hope it was as fun for you as it was for me.

Friday Five: Blog Search Terms

I hate to say that I check my blog stats every day because I don’t want to look dorky, but I do. When I check them there are always the usual “[insert hockey players name here]’s girlfriend” searches and then there are really general terms like “laptop” or really strange ones. Today I’m going to celebrate five (okay so more like seven) strange ones.

people doing essays - Are The Caps Still on Summer Vacation
Not sure what’s going on with this term but hey, whatever, that’s cool if you’re scouring the internet looking for something about people doing essays.

muscular guy backs – Just Another Reason Why
I completely forgot I compared Mike Green to a cross between an emo/skater/punk and one of those guido’s on MTV’s Jersey Shore. Ha, I love the thought of Mike Green having a blowout.

not balding – Van Wilder Plays for the Capitals? Wha?
The first sign of BMo’s bald spot. Maybe he can use the hair from the porno ’stache as his donor area.

do wifes travel with hockey players – Why Hockey Players Make Bad Boyfriends
And to answer that question, yes, sometimes they do. So if you’re thinking you’re going to go on the road and chase some hockey guy you like that’s married, don’t.

louis robitaille not liked in the hockey world – Capitals Blast From the Past
No, people really don’t like Louis Robitaille. Well that’s not really true. People like him when he’s on their team but not when they’re playing against him. Although in real life he is kinda a turd. While I was searching for this hit I found this other one. To be posted on there don’t you have to be a real celebrity?

tyra banks and hockey white boyfriend
I’m not going to tell you what it linked to because that will ruin the surprise, but you’ll figure it out soon enough. This term kinda made me go “huh?” and  then I did some Googling and found out the hockey white boyfriend referred to this guy. Apparently the two dated back in Tyra’s early years. When I read it I was horrified for Tyra. I mean, the bald head and confidence is hot, but ew. It’s icky for Tyra.

jamie pushor strippers
I know nothing about this nor have I ever mentioned anything like that on here. Woah! If you Google this exact term and hit the cache of the 2nd hit you get, it’s interesting. But be forewarned, it’s one of those talk-sports ones so take it with a grain of salt.

So that’s it. I will be in the NJ most of the weekend (no, not the Jersey Shore and if I were I would probably stay inside the entire time because Jersey Shore guys are total creepers) so you might not hear from me much.

Unrelated but I have to share it with you. Unless you’re one of my readers that lives somewhere warm and awesome like Florida, Texas, Arizona, etc… you’ve probably been noticing the gale force winds and sudden dip in temperature. If you’re like me and already wearing the down parka and winter gear, you know how much you hate mittens and gloves. Every freaking pair of mittens/gloves makes me a total butterfingers. I can’t dig around in my bag and grab things, manuver keys or do anything else because the gloves/mittens are so bulky and awkward. Just wanted to let everyone know I’ve found the most awesome pair of gloves ever. I was looking for a pair of gloves to wear outside running in the cold so I headed over to an athletic store and found the UnderArmour ArmourStretch glove.  I can’t find a picture of them online that doesn’t show a man’s glove or something with a camoflauge print. I can guarantee you mine are not men’s nor are they camo print. Anyway, they’re pretty awesome lightweight gloves with this crazy silicone grip on the palm that lets you grab and manipulate anything. They are that awesome. Worth $30.

About the Author

Anyone remember those e-mail survey’s you used to get from your friends, telling you to fill out this survey and send it back to them. Well here’s mine and I know doing this totally makes me look like a fifteen year old and it’s incredibly cheesy, but I’m incredibly cheesy and dorky, so here it goes.

Full Name: Lucy Brown

Age:  Too old

Croutons or Bacon Bits: Croutons because bacon bits are too salty

Do you make fun of people: Hello, have you read this blog?

Are you sarcastic: Again, I take it you haven’t read the blog.

One pillow or two?: Eight. Okay, so no. More like four.

Favorite Type of Music: Anything except Finnish rap. Don’t ask.

Hobbies: Being lame and stuff.

Favorite town to chill in: the 17033

Favorite Ice Cream: Boring vanilla.

Favorite Soft Drink: Coke (and by Coke I mean it how Texans mean it).

Adidas, Nike, or Reebok: None of the above.

Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Burberry Brit

Favorite Website: www.gmail.com

Favorite Sport to Watch: Football

Favorite Holiday: Presidents Day

What do you look for in the opposite sex?: a nice face and a hot ass, haha!

Things I’ve learned from life: Don’t take things too seriously, Quit trying to control things you can’t, Laugh often.

ICQ #: People still have ICQ? Woah.

Favorite color: Blue. Green a close, close second.

Favorite Quote: “Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

Hershey Bears Holiday Wish List

The other week I wrote my Capitals Holiday Wish List. I think I came up with some pretty good gift ideas for them. Naturally, if I’m going to make the Caps a list, I have to make one for the Bears. So without further ado, here it is:

The entire Hershey Bears. A full set of shots. Because now you’ve got Bourque back, you’re going to need it to keep the germs that asshat brings at bay.

Andrew Gordon. A million goals because you are awesome.

Steve Pinizzotto. Some real freaking pants. Never wear sweatpants out in public again.

Chris Bourque. Normally I wouldn’t get him anything but this year I’m being generous. For a possible gift I’m thinking of a new zipcode. Possibly one in Timbuktu or Bora Bora. Yes. Oh yeah, and I can’t forget the flaming sack of dog shit. Even that present might be too good for him.

Kyle Wilson. Lots of goals for you too. But not more than Gordon, Miskovic, or Morgan. Sorry Kyle.

Jay Beagle. An extended call up.

Zach Miskovic. Lots of goals too. But not more than Gordo.

Gavin Morgan. Ditto. But not more than Miskovic and Gordo. Oh yeah, and also an old man flat/scally cap. During Gavin’s first round with the HBH he wore one to the season ticketholders skate and it was very becoming on him. He should wear them more often. Oh yeah, I’d also like to give Gavin a better Reading Royals glamour shot. Yikes.

Boyd Kane. A new zip code too. Last time you left Hershey you didn’t have nice things to say about it so why the hell did you want to come back? Oh yeah, I bet Hershey is way better than Glens Falls, NY.

Greg Amadio. A better beer choice than Coors/Bud Light. An invisible shield to wear at Giant so people don’t come up to you after a game and hassle you when you just want to buy Immodium, milk, or whatever.

Doug Yingst – a gigantic piece of coal and a delicious holiday pie made out of fudge. Oh wait, did I say fudge? I meant reindeer turds.

Happy Holidays Hershey Bears! Enjoy your presents.

Brads and Carcillo

Here’s my attempt at actual hockey blog talk. I apologize if it’s lame. Just tell me and I’ll go back to the Bourque bashing and crazy fangirl stuff.

It’s the hot topic of the day. In case you missed it during last nights Caps/Flyers game Matt Bradley laid a clean hit on the Flyers Carcillo. When Brads took the hit his stick was higher than it should have been, but it wasn’t in jeopardy of hitting Carcillo or anyone else. Brads even fell on his ass when he was finishing the check. Way to stay on your feet. Perhaps you could use some ballet classes for Christmas to teach you poise and balance?

As he was getting his butt off the ice Carcillo gives him a little cross-check or two. Bradley skates like two strides before Carcillo spins him around and cold cocks him, which results in the dude getting a ton of penalties while Bradley goes down and got zero PIM. I know some people are saying Bradley dropped the glove (ha, get it, the glove because only one glove came off?). I’m not so sure he did. I mean, when you watch the video at the part where Carcillo grabs Bradley and spins him around, it just kinda looks like the glove would have come off, but instead got flung off by the momentum of the spin. I’m probably wrong so whatever, it’s still a cheap shot lame ass move on Carcillo’s part. Just makes the Flyers look like the goons they are.

Jaspers Rink did a blog entry about how the Philly media is trying to spin it to make Carcillo look like less of a giant goob. Did anyone see Brads crazy stitches? Pretty awesome looking.

Fun with Photoshop

I am not a Photoshop pro. Not at all. Actually, I’m more of an old school Paint girl. But there are just some things you can’t do with Paint, no matter how hard you try. I don’t know why I even have Photoshop since I can’t use it and it was an expensive ass program. However, last night I sat down in front of an episode of George Lopez, and learned my first Photoshop skill. It was worth the hour of frustration and aggravation that it took to learn this task. If I hadn’t learned it, I would never be able to present you with this:

I realize this isn’t the most professional Photoshop job ever, but hey, for a first try it’s not that bad is it? Thanks, I didn’t think so either. The Chris Bourque Troll Doll. The doll is to scale of his actual height. I was going to make a joke about it being anatomically correct too, but I’ll pass on that. It could be a good luck charm while you’re playing the Chris Bourque Drinking Game.

You Mike Green fans are probably glad I’ve decided to focus my rage on someone else for awhile. Truth is I wouldn’t have even done this if I hadn’t learned that CBourque was put on waivers by the Penguins. He has until noon today to be claimed by someone else or he goes to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton. There have been a few rumors that the Caps would reclaim him and he’d be back in Hershey which I hope is NOT true.

Either way, I am calling Laux Sporting Goods in the Buffalo, NY area to get a Patrick Kaleta Sabres player t-shirt. That way if he is back in Hershey either as a visitor or as a Bear, I can wear it and passively-aggressively taunt him and remind him of his concussion and how I love the dude that gave it to him.

Hockey Fandom

I’ve been thinking about this post for a few days now and I think it’s definitely something that needs to be brought up. At first I didn’t want to touch it and ruin my rep of being a crazy fangirl or internet stalker but after thinking about it for a while I definitely wanted to put it out there. A few days ago on the Pennlive Hershey Bears forum, this thread popped up.

Nothing brings comments faster than a  Hershey Bears and Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins game. Why? They’re one of the biggest rivals the Bears have. It doesn’t matter if the Bears kick their butts or vice versa, one thing is for sure, some of the fans on each side do not like each other. Notice how I said some, because there are some people that can be passionate about their team that enjoy a little rivalry, but they can still be cool. That’s why I love the fans in Manchester. They love them some Monarchs hockey and they’ll give you a hard time, but they’re the nicest and most welcoming people ever.

I’m guessing but I guess the point of the post was to tell people to tone it down and stop hassling each other. Some people do need to tone it down. But when you get thousands of people from all walks of life in a confined athletic arena, expect the unknown. In kindergarten we were taught that everyone is different, so remember that. We are all different. We were taught to act differently and react differently to situations. It’s a fact of life.

Lets also establish a few other facts.

• Even as people grow up, you’d think they’d know right from wrong in social settings. They don’t. Just accept this fact and move on.
• Sports fans are passionate about their game and their team.
• Hockey games are public events.

Public events draw toddlers, teenagers, senior citizens, Bozo the millionaire, Gary the mechanic, Jane the single mom, and everyone in between. I know how I was taught to act in public, but not everyone is a prissy snob and had a stiff upbringing (did I just call myself that? I did). So when you go to a hockey game, expect people to be rude and cuss and heckle. It’s part of being a sports fan. If you don’t want yourself or your child being subjected to profanity and crass comments, good luck. But don’t keep from going. I would hate to think of you or your kid missing out on an awesome chance to see live hockey.

I know, I know. You’re paying your $22 per ticket, spending money at concessions and in the gift shop and you don’t think it’s right that you’ve got to listen to some drunk slob yell at you because you’re wearing a Bears jersey. Yeah well, that drunk slob also paid money for their ticket, parking, lots of beer, food, etc… They have just as much of a right to be there as you. If they’re that obnoxious, tell an usher. People can be thrown out of games for being out of control.

True story: I was at a Hershey Bears v. Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins game (in Hershey) a few years ago. My section was a group of awesome Bears fans and two frump, early 30’s, female WBS Penguins fans. I was cheering on the Bears with my section and (because I actually knew some of them) calling players by their nicknames/first names. A lot of people do that. A bit of an off side, but because of all the opportunities Hershey and the Bears players present the public, you get to meet them, hang out and just get to know a lot of them. I mean, if I knew Jay Beagle I wouldn’t be like “shoot the puck Beagle!” I’d say “Go Beags or Go Jay, shoot the puck!” Anyway, back to the story. The WBS Penguins girls started smarting off and trying to go all Mean Girls on me. Making catty, snide little comments about how you shouldn’t use players first names or nicknames unless you know them. To which I replied nicely, “thanks but I do.” The lady I was sitting beside smiled and laughed and said something to the effect of “good job. They’ve been rude all evening.” Then they started trying to say other stuff about my clothes or hair or whatever. Little did they know they picked the wrong girl to go all Regina George on but I was raised to be polite in public so I wasn’t going to stoop to their level unless shit got out of control. Then they started hassling some of the other people in my section. When I turned around to go up the steps I saw tons of other WBS Penguin fans that were polite and just there to enjoy a good game.

The moral of this post is yes, some people do need to chill a little. Stop cussing, don’t get sweaty and drunk, don’t be verbally abusive. Have a good time, participate in some good-natured barbs with opposing fans, shake hands and congratulate (or do the whole “good game” thing) them at the end of the game and move on. If an obnoxious fan says something to you, let it roll. Chances are their team sucks and they’re just jealous that yours is doing way better. Don’t yell at them. Feel sorry for them.

Holiday Wish for Me

Thanks to Meghan from THC for bringing this to my attention. Should arrive in 7-10 days.

Geez, watch this be a jinx now and he’ll never get called up and he’ll probably  get traded. It’s like that unfortunate person at Giant Center who wears their Caps BOURQUE jersey. I want to tell them to take it off because he’s gone, but at the same time I feel bad for them because I know they probably spent in excess of $250 for it. Jersey foul indeed.

I haven’t checked out yet. The item is idling in my cart, but I’m afraid to check out. As much as I would love this, I have a hard time separating myself with $28 + S&H for it. Twenty bucks for an A Gordon 10 Bears shirt okay, but this is different.

Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law

Meghan from the Hockey Chronicles was visiting Hershey today with her family. She mentioned that Hershey looks like a place that’s hard to get into too much trouble, making it the perfect place for a bunch of AHL hockey players (I’m guessing she’s talking about Finley). Hershey is a great town. It’s safe, family oriented, but yet still fun for single people. It’s a great town, I love it. However, it is a place where said AHLers can get into plenty of trouble.

Sit back it’s story time…

Once upon a time, oh about six years ago, back when the Bears were affiliated with the Colorado Avalanche, there was a prospect named Charlie Stephens. Charlie is now in Germany playing in the DEL for I forget who. Anyway, it used to be that at the beginning of each season the booster club would throw a “Get Acquainted Party” and a “End of Season Party” for the Bears and members of the booster club. I would assume they still do it, but I could be wrong. Anyway, after one of the parties (I can’t remember which one I think it was the GAP), Charlie Stephens went out in downtown Harrisburg with his brother.  They were drinking and there was some beef with a guy over a girl or some shit. I wasn’t present but multiple accounts of the story have Stephens leaving downtown to go home, but he ended up in the parking lot at Harrisburg Wal-Mart where he had an altercation with the guy from the bar. The story goes that Chaz and his brother beat this guy up and smashed a beer bottle over his head. After the incident people in the Giant Center would yell “Welcome to Wal-Mart” every time Charlie would step on the ice. I’m not sure what happened after that, but after being shuttled around between teams for a few years, Charlie is now having a pretty decent career for one of the better teams in the DEL.

End story time.

That’s it’s for this post.

Just fyi, if you ever watch the movie Grendel on the SciFi Channel, pay attention to Finn and tell me he does NOT look like Andrew Gordon. If Finn didn’t have the nappy long hair, he would totally be a little Gordo twin. So cute.

Capitals Holiday Wish List

Today I got up early in the morning for an $8 USB drive. I would have rather paid the $20 for it than have to deal with that crazy ass mess. Now I know. There were tons of people everywhere, with their carts piled high with Black Friday deals. I will never understand why people shop on Black Friday for Christmas presents for their kids, but yet they bring their kids along. And they’re always the least behaved kids. Damn screamers. Stay at home. Anyway, the holiday mass confusion has begun and it’s got me thinking about my wish list for the Capitals.

What do you get for the guys that have everything and can buy whatever they want? In lieu of the Friday Five, here are my ideas.

Nicklas Backstrom – American Eagle sweaters. I hear you like them a lot, which is kinda weird but kinda cute.

Jay Beagle – a spot with the Caps for the rest of the year and next year and the year after that, etc…

Matt Bradley – recycling items and the latest and greatest “green” things (no, not Mike Green things, but eco-friendly things).

Eric Fehr – a radio show on XM or whatever it’s called now.

Boyd Gordon – all the latest rap CD’s plus tickets to a hip hop concert. No, you cannot take Mike Green.

Brooks Laich - a hard crossword puzzle. Oh yeah, and me. Ha.

Quintin Laing – some baby food, broth and a blender to puree things. You can’t eat real shit when your jaw is wired shut.

Brendan Morrison – hair plugs and maybe some dye so you can make that porn stache stand out more.

Dave Steckel – Ohio State a national championship.

Karl Alzner – some Burmashave and a new Norelco to take care of that lumberjack beard you’ll probably have by season end.

Mike Green – a normal tie from Brooks Brothers, maybe some real athletic shoes, a non-fauxhawk haircut. Oh yeah, and the ability to remember you are a defenseman. Also, a copy of the book “Stuff White People Like”. Perhaps you should read it.

Tom Poti – defensive ability. And a lifetime supply of pancakes from IHOP.

Semyon Varlamov – a fat American girlfriend.

Happy Holidays Washington Capitals. You cannot return or exchange any of these items. Especially you Brooks Laich.

Turkey Awards

I love it that they just quoted Chuck Norris facts on TV. They say there’s a sucker born every minute. I guess that was me. I’ve seen the infomercial on tv for years now and I’ve always wanted one. But today I became the proud owner of a beautiful, bouncing baby Total Gym. Hopefully it makes me look like Christie Brinkley and not like Steve Guttenberg or Wesley Snipes. Ha!

Just an aside as we get enter the holiday season. I don’t really like holidays. I get the importance and meaning behind the holidays, but that’s it. I’ll recognize it but I hate being forced to buy gifts and spend time with people that irritate me after an hour. My family is great and I love them all, but you know what I’m talking about. So while most people are busy during the holiday season, I actually like to avoid all the crazy family holiday drama and commercialization. I’d rather just take said holiday for what it is and celebrate it. In short, don’t expect a holiday hiatus here. Anyway, to the post.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I would like to present the Turkey Awards. But before I give you the nominees and winner, let me tell you what it takes to be a turkey. A turkey is one of those people (hockey players in this case) that are a failure or that can’t do anything right. Everything they do is a flop and people think they’re pretty inept. You know how if you eat a lot of bird turkey, you get sleepy? Well it’s kinda the same. You’ve watched them fail numerous times and you’ve had enough, so you’d rather just take a nap.

Here are the nominees:

Mike Green
I like Mike Green, I really do. Then there are times when he just makes you not want to like him. According to the NHLPA you’re getting paid $5 million. You should come to the arena every night and play like you deserve every cent of that $5 mil. Don’t tweet after a game where you played like shit and your team lost. Put the iPhone away and listen to your coach. He obviously has something to say that you need to listen to. Then there’s the skinny ties, fauxhawk, skater vibe, etc… Ugh. I don’t get it. You’re not 16 and emo. I am very conflicted.

Tom Poti
It really hurts me to put Tom Poti on here. Like Mike Green, I like Tom Poti. I really do. But I think I feel bad for him more than I like him. However, him walking around in the background in a towel while they’re interviewing Mike Green (yes, I’m still talking about that) is a good way to make me like him. But seriously, Tom Poti’s bad defense is tiring! He’s making a lot of money too and I’m not sure why people think he deserves it because he does a lot of crappy shit and sometimes, I hate to say this, but I think he’s the sole reason the Caps lose. I don’t think I can take much more.

Chris Bourque
Y’all know how I feel about him. I don’t know, just everything about him is tragic. From tripping over air at warmups to missing a completely open net, yikes. I just, can’t even explain it. Just tragic. It must be hard, trying to fill the shoes of your famous father. He could be less of a douche while he tries though.

And the award goes to…

Chris Bourque, for your lack of awesomeness in everything you do. Along with your awesome trophy is a lifetime supply of Wild Turkey whiskey. You’ll need it to get you through the next boneheaded thing you do. Tom Poti can be damn glad he’s naked in that picture because it’s the only thing that saved him.

Who Wants Some Mayonaise?

After the Caps horrific game tonight, all us followers of @GreenLife52 got this tweet from Mr. Green.

Brutal game. Def not happy with my performance. Don’t hate. See you on Wed caps fans. Your the best!

Yes, that was extremely brutal. These guys could have done better. Seriously.

First off, thank you Michael, but flattery is going to get you nowhere. Secondly, why are you tweeting after such a horrible performance? You should be in the locker room getting verbally berated by BB. Lastly, do you not care enough about Caps fans to not capitalize Caps? Oh, one last thing for real this time. You’re means YOU ARE. Your means your (who remembers that episode of Friends?!?! I knew you would!!!).

Someone said Mike Green got a haircut and the fauxhawk was gone. Maybe all his awesomesauce (that’s a word from the Hockey Chronicle girls) mojo playmaking abilities were lost when he cut the fauxhawk? If so, that’s lame.

I would also like to echo the sentiments of Meghan, from the Hockey Chronicles. Greenie dear, you are white. Get some crackers and mayonaise. Or just wait until Wednesday’s game for someone to throw them at you. Don’t hate. Congratulate. Ha. See how weird that sounds coming from me? It’s just as weird coming from you. Next thing you know he’ll be getting a flat top with a fade on the side, or he’ll have “GreenLife52″ written into the side of it in a cursive font.

Totally weak. Totally. At least Andrew Gordon did well.

Dear Tom Poti, please walk around in the background without clothes on more often. It makes the Caps losses way more bearable. Please? Thank you. -L

More Snaps for Little Gordo

As everyone knows, someone very important was missing from the Bears game last night. If you don’t know who, then you should go play in the middle of a very busy interstate right now because you’re hopeless. I’m only teasing, I love you all! The person in question was Andrew Gordon. Where was our little Gordo?

Well I found out a few hours before Bears game time that A. Gordon got the call up from Washington. Little sad that I wouldn’t get to see him play, but good for him.

To celebrate his first call up of the season, I get to act like a proud momma and bring you a little gratuitous Gordo.

Photo by Abelimages/Getty Images

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I like Gordo, he works hard and understands how he’s going to get in the NHL. He deserves his shot. Plus he is super super super cute, like a little five year old. In last night’s loss against the Leafs, he logged 6 minutes and 23 seconds of ice time and didn’t draw any penalties. Kick some butt little Gordo.

Last night at the Giant Center I was fully prepared to buy a Gordon 10 player shirt but neither the main shop nor the little shopping kiosks around Giant Center had them. They had Helmer and some other dude, I think Osala, but no Gordon or anyone else. So that was a deal breaker. Bummer. Hopefully one day I can buy a Capitals A. Gordon one.

You know Brooksy and Dave Steckel, with the call up of Gordo, you both have been pushed out of the top spot as my favorite Washington Capital. Nothing personal, I just like him waaaaaaay more.

So, more snaps for little Gordo.

I Reek of Rich Mahogany…and Garlic

If you got that Anchorman reference, I love you.

So tonight was the big bad Bears game. I settled into my seat at the Giant Center just as the puck was about to drop. I think I sat beside Bill Engvall and his kid? Not really, but it could have been. I left way early enough but I stopped by Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, what was I thinking) and picked up a few things. Wal-Mart near Hershey is like an entirely different country. It’s just amazing. I also had to return a pair of pants at JCrew (boo, I know) and traffic was pretty gnarly so I wasted a lot of time. Anyway, I settled into my seat at the opening faceoff, just after the national anthem stuff. The first period was kinda slow and some of the Bears could really use some Red Bull, because apparently it gives you wings.

It’s a good thing I decided to dress casually and not nicely because I would have felt weirdddd. I decided to just wear a tee, jeans and I channeled my inner-Meredith Grey and broke out the Converse. If you pay attention to Grey’s Anatomy, you know what I mean.

It only took me a few seconds to notice the fomer ladies man of Hershey, Kip Brennan, and his bubble helmet. The helmet doesn’t actually look that bad. I also saw Chad Wiseman was playing for Springfield. Make me vomit, barfage. I was reading my tweets and saw that @Pensblog reported that CBourque tripped over thin air at warmups. During the game Zach Miskovic pulled a Bourque (like that episode of Friends when someone “pulled a Monica”).

Springfield started off the goal scoring but the goal was disallowed because the punk ass biznatch that shot it in had a majorly high stick going on. So the ref (not sure if it was my bud Koharski or not) said no goal. Ha. Take that Falcons. I’m not going to recap the entire game because you can get that from somewhere else. You come here for the witty banter and commentary, I know. So Aucoin and Giroux score for the Bears and so do two guys from the Falcons. Don’t know who they are, don’t care who they are. Game goes to OT, no score and then a shootout. Bears didn’t get anything on the shootout but the Falcons got one, so they win, 3-2.

My new favorite word is going to be “slapshoot”. Some people in front of me were talking about  “that’s the best slapshot you got?” to which their kid (who is over 8 yrs old) responds “that was a slapshoot?”. Yes Billy Bob, that was a slapshoot. And it was a pretty terrible one at that. Someone had something that reeked of garlic. I’m not sure what it was or where it was coming from but it was stank. I think I smell like it now. Great.

A puck went over the glass and hit a woman in the head. Play stopped and the usher broke open an ice pack. In hot pursuit of the usher was a medic so the woman received the proper attention. I heard there was blood and someone near me said that a guy got hit a few weeks ago in the nose and it looked really bad. Well yeah, a lot of blood goes to your brain so head wounds are always crazy bleeders. Hopefully that lady will be okay.

I really hate it when people yell “shoot the puck” but they can’t because there are like four guys in front of them waiting to receive said shot puck. One of the players on Springfield has the last name Trucknho. If you space it out a little it is Truck n ho and is mildly amusing and inappropriate. I’m not so sure Gavin Morgan is a Bear anymore. He’s not listed anywhwere and I didn’t see him but I swear I read something that he had been signed. I had to look it up quickly…Koharski was not a linesman tonight and Morgan is back in Reading.

The kibosh was put on dinner so I stopped by Giant in Hummelstown on the way home to get some groceries (i.e. milk for my cereal). While I was there I also remembered I had a Boboli crust at home and I was pretty hungry for it but I didn’t have any sauce. Any regular, old pizza sauce won’t do. It has to be the Boboli sauce. So I picked some of that up too because it’s like right by the milk and yogurt area. Tons of Bears fans must do the same thing I did because while I was in there, everyone that came in had Bears gear on. I was walking behind someone on my way to get milk and there stands Greg Amadio at the self checkout.

So this entry kinda turned into a Spotted/Injury/Recap post. Parking at the GC went up to $7, but that’s still cheaper than Manchester’s $10 (Manchester has some of the best fans ever, just fyi).  I’m not sure when my next excursion will be. The Bears game was fun and all but it’s not the same as it used to be. I think I just need a few less things going on in normal life and I could get back in the swing of things. Well, that and something else needs to happen to rekindle my roadtrip/going out days.

Here’s a video to hold you folks over…it is a very lovely video. No laproscopy this time.

Road Trip Preparation H(ockey)

This is not my most favorite post, but I saw it was 7:30 and realized I didn’t do jack shit today.

If you’ve read my past entries you know I haven’t been on a good, old-fashioned hockey road trip in now, wow, it’s almost 3 years. Just knowing that makes me sad. Before my hiatus, I had been a regular road tripper for close to four years. I really wish I had started a blog back then because I had some great shit to tell, although I probably wouldn’t mention a lot of it because some things are just better left unsaid. As I’ve been thinking about trips, I’ve also been thinking about the things that annoy me about them.

So in honor of this weeks Friday Five, here they are. Five annoying road trip things.

1. Bad directions/not listening to GPS.
I remember once I was in Canada, and it had been forever since Richard talked to me. I’d glance up at him from time to time and look at the map. So I was driving and I noticed I had an exit soon. I wasn’t sure why Richard wasn’t talking, but the exit looked really close so I got off at the exit. Two seconds later as I’m somewhere in BF Ontario, Richard starts telling me to make a U-turn. Yeah buddy, I can’t do that on the exit ramp. I ended up turning around in an Ikea parking lot (I tried really hard to not go inside because I do love all things Sweden) and got back on the highway only to find out the real exit I was supposed to take was the next one, which was literally a quarter mile from the exit I got off at. I was very pissed at Richard. We didn’t speak the rest of the way there. I know, way to give the GPS the cold shoulder.

2. Arena food.
I am the first one in the Dippin Dots® line. I love me some ice cream of the future. But when you combine Dippin Dots®, poutine (when you’re in Canada), pizza, soda, and/or a milkshake; it doesn’t take long to gain 10 lbs. Maybe it’s just me and my lack of willpower. Can’t keep me away from Taco Bell or Dippin Dots®.

3. Home team arena rituals.
I know the rituals at the local arenas and how long they’ve been going on. So it’s always interesting/annoying to go to another arena and see the same things or loose interpretations of the things they do in Hershey. My first thought is always “you so stole that from us” or whatever other nonsense. I forget where I was, but they do something very similar to Hershey’s “Kiss Cam”, but they call it something different. Sometimes when I see it I get a little too cool for school.

4. Running on (almost) empty and no gas for miles.
Nothing makes you sweat more than getting to the E or close to it and not having a gas station for miles. On my way to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton I was running dangerously low as I was entering the middle of nowhere. There was a sign for gas, but I had to drive off the highway, five miles back some two lane country ass road until I got to the station. It was literally five miles out of the way. Luckily there was a Dunkin Donuts next door because after that travesty, I needed a donut. Maybe even some bourbon.

5. Arena girls.
I know what to expect around here. I’ve seen it and although I think they’re a little out of control, I can handle them. You just kind of shrug them off and think oh whatever. When you go to another town, you’re out of your element and you don’t know what to expect. Sometimes the girls at other arenas can be more aggressive and it’s like woah. I was somewhere and I saw a girl openly corner a scratched player and hit on him. She might as well have come out and said, “let’s have sex tonight.” It was like that. And he was loving every second of it.

Anyway, that’s it for this Friday Five.

Tomorrow I will be hitting up the 17033 for my second Bears game of the season. I need to pick out an outfit. Not sure what I want to do. I was thinking jeans, a tee and a pair of Diesels with my fleece jacket. I love my fleece jacket (for $150 I better love it). I’m going out for dinner and stuff after, so I don’t want to go too casual but I don’t want to dress like a tart either. You know, like those people on television court that dress like they’re going to a club, not court. I don’t care if it’s tv court, you dress right.

Capitals Blast From the Past

I found my super secret training camp guide from the 2004-2005 Caps season. I was told that only “special people” get them. I know I’m special, it’s just nice to finally hear someone else verbalize it.

Anyway, I think this is from the Caps last year at Piney Orchard. I liked Piney Orchard. It was kinda random, like hey, here’s a hockey rink in the middle of this community. Is it bad that I remember I wore a red polo? I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now I know I wore it because red is a Caps color.

Here are the pictures of the Caps prospects at camp. There’s a longer list of generic people that were invited to camp. I would go through that, but it would take me waaaaaaay too long to look up where all those random players are now and this post is already taking long enough, so I’m just going to review the camp folks from five years ago. Players with a big red line through them are no longer around, players with a green check (some of the checks might be hard to see because I didn’t realize I had my Photoshop set to 32% opaque) are still with the Capitals, and players with yellow lines over their picture are beloved Capitals legends. Check out how your favorite Caps have changed in five years. Look how normal Mike Green looks!

 

Where are a lot of these guys now? Not sure.

Jared Aulin was always the pretty one. A few years ago I heard he quit pro hockey and went to the University of Alberta and played there for two years (I think). He has tried/is trying to get back into pro hockey, but I’m not sure if he’s been successful. There was a Facebook group about him doing something, I forget.

Chris Bourque. Everyone knows what happened to that troll.

Freddie Cassivi is hopping around Europe. Last year he was in Germany playing for the Sinupret Ice Tigers. He’s still in Europe, just not sure where.

Ben Clymer is in the KHL with HC Dinamo Minsk.

Owen Fussey looks like a total dbag in that picture. He was signed to play for the Edinburgh Capitals in Scotland.

Jeff Halpern, former Capital and Maryland boy made good, is now with the Tampa Bay Lightning. Barring a trade or anything, I should get to see him play in Feb. Totally exciting, I know.

Jakub Klepis is also with the KHL, playing for Avangard Omsk…along with Eric Perrin.

Daren Machesney is with the Manitoba Moose. His most prized possessions are his truck and boat. I bet it’s a jon boat.

Louie Roboturtle, I mean Robitaille, hopped between Europe and Quebec beer leagues last year, but he is now back in the AHL to everyone’s horror and shock. Playing for the Lowell Devils. Seriously people, go see Lowell vs. Springfield. Roboturtle vs. Kipper.

That’s it for the updates. If there’s a certain one you’d like to know about, let me know.

’til later,

XXXXXX

Dragging and Lagging

I know I promised a post on Sunday, but I got busy with laundry (damn adult responsibilities). I was going to do one tonight but I never turned my laptop on until close to 9:30 and bedtime is at 10 so…not happening. The first few days back to work after staycation time are brutal. I got home and ate pretzels and ginger ale and then fell asleep on the couch. I figured it out. I only have 6 working days before an extended Thanksgiving holiday and then there’s only 9 working days until another staycation.

There’s an ad on tv now for SeniorPeopleMeet.com, a singles site for “seniors”. I say “seniors” because the model/actors on the commercials do not look like senior citizens. They look more like seniors…in high school. Weird.

Anyway, the plan for tomorrow is to update. I found my super secret Capitals training camp handbook from BB’s first year as Caps coach. I want to scan it and show you how far the Caps have come from the days when Bruce first came to town and brought half of the Manchester Monarchs with him.

Stay tuned.

Chris Bourque Drinking Game

Okay, so the Chris Bourque Drinking Game is something I thought up a few days ago. Figuring it’d be a great idea, I immediately put the wheels in motion and started laying down the rules for this game. This would make an excellent additon to the winter beer olympics. Here’s how it goes:

Since CBo isn’t classy and refined like a nice burgundy, you’ll have to find some cheap, malt liquor. Colt 45, Old English, Hurricane, or whatever your 40 of choice.  Since they’re so damn cheap, I’d suggest stocking up on a few or 5, just so you have enough for the game. You don’t want to run out. I mean, if you’re going to watch CBo play, you might as well be drunk. It’ll make things easier.

Next you’ll need a shot glass or a Dixie cup or whatever. The cap from the bottle of Nyquil works too.

Now turn on a Pens game and watch. Now the rules…

• Every time you see someone taller than Chris Bourque, take a shot (this alone should get you pretty drunk).
• If they mention Chris Bourque is the son of Ray Bourque, take two shots. Take an extra shot if they mention “Hall of Famer” or “Bruins legend” Ray Bouque. Or any combination of those words.
• If Ray Bourque is in attendance and they show him on TV, take a shot. Take another shot if Ray Bourque is shown with Mario Lemieux.
• Every time Chris Bourque screws up, take a shot.
• Every time you see Penguins coach Dan Bylsma cringe when Bourque does something, take a shot.
• Every time the announcers mention Boston University (even though he only was there for a year and then dropped out like a dbag), take a shot.
• Every time you ask yourself how that kid from the mite game got on the ice, take a shot.
• If the Pens are playing the Capitals and the announcers mention the Capitals/waivers thing, take a shot.
• Each time you realize he wasn’t put on waivers because of salary cap issues, but merely because he sucks; take a shot.
• Every time you wish he’d be sent down to the minors, take two shots.
• Every time there is a player on the ice of equal height to Chris Bourque, take two shots, per player (so if Bourque is on the ice with Nathan Gerbe and another guy that’s 5′9″, you’ll be taking six shots).
• If he scores two goals in a game, just get wasted and loot shit because the apocolypse is upon us.

That’s it. Sit back, enjoy the game and crack open that nice warm 40. If you really want to get into character, grow some scruffy facial hair, don’t shower for a few days and wear a trucker hat.

Enjoy!

Sport and Science

The folks at On Frozen Blog (if you don’t read their blog, do, and also follow them on Twitter @OnFrozenBlog) were tweeting today (I’m typing this up ahead of time on Tuesday) about the NHL GM meetings and the new helmet that Mark Messier came out with to reduce the severity of head injures in the game of hockey.

I know Messier was working as Assistant to the GM for the Rangers, but aside from that, I thought he was spending his retirement at Scores and taking things easy. Guess not. I turned to my best website friend, Google, to find out more about this. I Googled “Mark Messier helmet” and came up with a host of hits about this new project he was part of, apropriately called the Mark Messier Project. Here’s the gist of it.

In an effort to reduce the number of head injuries in hockey, Messier has teamed up with Cascade Sports to bring hockey players the M11 (wonder where that name comes from?!), a helmet designed to reduce the risk of concussions.

The mission statement, right from the Messier Project website:

The mission of The Messier Project is to address the issue of concussion, which has become an epidemic in hockey, through product development and a public awareness campaign.

The Messier Project campaign is an all-encompassing grassroots and educational initiative which aims to change priorities in the sport by encouraging athletes to play smart and choose the best protective equipment.

The helmet actually looks pretty cool. In my Googling I heard it called a bubble helmet and I was thinking oh geez, it’s gonna look like some freaky space shit. But it turns out it’s rather traditional, but not traditional in the sense that it looks like Esa Tikkanen’s old school Joffa helmet. Remember that helmet? It looked like it had no padding and was just a white Tupperware™ bowl slapped on his head. Actually, the bowl might have given him more protection than his actual helmet. The helmet is currently being worn by a few NHL and AHL players, along with the entire Harvard hockey team (gotta protect those smart brains) and various other minor league and youth teams.

The helmet is comprised of a Mono 90™ shell with the ProFit™ Fit System and Seven Technology.

The Mono 90™ Shell Design is supposed to make the helmet lighter and streamlined, stronger, while reducing direct energy transfer, and provides vents for air flow.  Sounds pretty good right? You want a helmet that’s lightweight; not one that’s as heavy as a park character in Disney, but you also want one that’s strong and can absorb a hit from your oppositions biggest goon.

The Pro Fit™ fit System offers a dynamic contour system, fine tune fit on the fly, the elimination of pressure points and the ability to make micro adjustments. I know in high school I always hated it when I’d put a helmet on and it felt like my brain was being squeezed out of my nose. Try asking someone to adjust it? Yeah, right. Good luck with that. Stand here and wait in line. Someone on the soccer team got a hang nail, we need to tend to that. Ha.

Seven Technology allows for maximum compression to absorb impact, total reset for multiple impact protection and two helmets in the space of one. Not sure what the two helmets in one thing is, but esentially, the padding (Seven Technology) sounds a lot like heavy-duty memory foam. If I got smacked around all the time, I wouldn’t mind my head being wrapped in memory foam.

If you go to the website, you can find all this stuff and more. There are also some fancy bar charts which I enjoy. I like facts…and bar charts. The helmet is valued at $119 ($139 with a cage), so it’s really not that much more than a regular helmet. Is the helmet perfect? I don’t know, but it sure sounds like a good start.

Keep an eye out on your favorite hockey players. We might see a lot more of this in the future.