Banner and Logo Explained

This aftermorning (mix of afternoon and morning. I’m so clever, I know.) I gave the blog and my Twitter account a little facelift. Like I’ve mentioned numerous times before, I am not a Photoshop expert so I slaved over the computer last night for a few hours creating a new look for HIMB. I wanted to give the blog and Twitter (and eventually Facebook) some uniformity so I created a new “logo”.

Oh, by the way, I am now on Facebook. Search me at lulu.brown9@gmail.com. Not sure if the Facebook thing is permanent. I see it as just one more thing to keep tabs on, but I’m giving it a shot so we’ll see.

Anyway, if you want to know the meaning behind the blog name, you can read the FAQ.

If you want to know the meaning behind the banner and the blogs new fangled logo, here it is:

A while back (September or Octoberish) I brought the Caps and their Club Scarlet pictures to your attention. I talked about Jeff Schultz’s pictures and how the one reminded me of a high school senior picture of the football QB posing with his letterman jacket over his shoulder. Then I was reminded how dorky high school boys were and how lame high school dating was. Since hockey and I have a slightly high school-ish relationship, I figured hey, I need a logo to represent that. I immediately though of college and a fraternity pinning, but realized that they were actually a pretty serious pre-engagement ritual. Then I thought to myself, “what was the biggest deal when you were dating a guy in high school?” Answer, when you got to wear his letterman’s jacket. Completely lame, I know, but when you’re 15 you think you’re the awesomest bitch in the world. So since Schultzy’s Scarlet Caps picture reminds me of a high school letterman’s jacket, he’s on the banner (just to clarify, I am not dating Jeff Schultz. I never said that and never intended to imply it). Then last night I decided I wanted the logo to be like those fuzzy varsity letters that were on the front of your jacket. I even tried to intertwine them together like some jackets have. But it was virtually impossible to line that shit up properly. The puck in the lower right corner is just a little extra.

So there you have it. Let me know what you think. If people hate it, I’ll try to think of something better.

Later sports fans!

PS: Who caught that Caps/Pens game tonight? That was pretty awesome! Who’s the daddy now Mike Milbury?

Blast From the Past #2

I was reading a few missed entries over at Psycho Lady Hockey and she mentioned something in one of her posts that gave me bad flashbacks. Everyone knows about those talk-sports forums. You can’t Google an athlete without having one of them pop up. Admit it. You’ve probably read them at least once. I’m going to be straight with you all and say that I have. But what you might not remember are the Voy.com forums. When she mentioned them I had an “omg 16 year old” reaction. Then I remember how awful they were. They were along the same lines as the talk-sports forums. I’m not sure they even exist anymore but I’ll admit it, I remember getting IM’s from friends that would alert me to the latest gossip that had been posted on them. I’d read that shit too. I even had a player ask if me or someone I knew had wrote something on ”the puckbunny forum” about him, to which I said no and fortunately he believed me (I was telling the truth). I remember girls would give the scoop about so and so guy and without a doubt there’d always be TONS of drama. Katrina is 100% correct in calling them “nightmarish war zones”.

So lovelies, stay away from those forums. If you do go there and you post things, just know that some players/wives/family members/etc… do read them. Think twice before you start that rumor or any rumor.

One more week til NYC and I descend on the Rangers and Lightning. I’m working on my packing list tonight. Look out NYR and TBL (more so TBL than NYR)!

Hockey Players and Marshmallow Shoes

You know you’ve seen them. You might even own a pair. They come in various styles, sizes, and colors; and (if you’re a 10-year-old girl) you can even accessorize them with Jibbitz or whatever they’re called. What’s even worse is they look like giant marshmallows on your feet.

I’m talking about Crocs.

Founded in 2002 in Durango, Colorado, Crocs blew up the rubber/marshmallow/foam footwear industry. According to Razor at the Dallas Stars Blog, the founder of Crocs was a former hockey equipment rep and in his travels, he became friends with Mr. Crocs, Peter Forsberg. Foppa is apparently the King of Crocs in Sweden.

You’ve probably all seen the pics of Ovie and Sidney wearing Crocs. If you visit the link to the Dallas Stars Blog, you’ll see Peter Forsberg modeling some as well. I recently discovered another picture of a hockey player wearing Crocs. This time it is courtesy of the 2008 Hershey Bears Life Assistance Dog Calendar and Andrew Gordon.

Look at him! Yes, those are white Crocs. Like a nurse or your grandma would wear. I can’t believe it took me this long to notice them. Paging Nurse Gordon to Exam Room Four!

Lucy’s Birthday Plans for Chris Bourque

In case you didn’t know it, today is Chris Bourque’s birthday. If it’s a good day and my math is right, he should be 23 years old. I know I’ve given him a hard time over the past few years, so I’m prepared to make it up to him and give him a pretty awesome birthday. Happy Birthday to you, Mr. Christopher Bourque! I hope you love this. I put a lot of time and effort into making sure you’ve had the coolest birthday ever.

I got him a card (by the way, I love someecards)

I made him a cake. Funny how is cake looks eeriely like Clip Art.

I’ll buy him all the booze he can drink. Judging by his height/weight I bet he’s done after four, five…tops.

I’ll take him out for a nice birthday dinner. Pork and beans…classy! Ha!

And I got him an awesome birthday present. He better have his dollar bills ready!

My E-pinion

Today while I was slacking off online at lunchtime…I mean, working of course…I saw an article about the night of the Tiger Woods Escalade/tree/baby mama drama. I can’t find the exact article I read, but I found a similar one at the NY Post.

So Tiger gave his wife the heads up that the Enquirer was going to run a story about his infidelity with another woman. He denied it and said it was false, but I guess Elin didn’t totally believe him. So….he convinced his mistress to talk to his wife and tell her they were friends.

The next day I guess Elin learned details to the Enquirer’s story and got suspicious again. She decided to take matters into her own hands and did what any irrational woman-scorned would do: she checked his text message/call log while Tiger was sleeping. Elin took it a step further into the “oh no she didn’t!” realm by texting the mistress and pretending it was Tiger. Miss Mistress texted Tigelin (a combo of Tiger and Elin. Get it? Like Liger?) back and played right into her game. Elin then jumped from “oh no she didn’t!” to nucking futs and CALLED the mistress. Mistress thought it was Tiger and then realized her bad and dropped a major f bomb before hanging up on wifey.

If you’re messing around with a married man and he calls you and tells you his wife is freaking out because she thinks you’re dogging her with another woman, I would think it’d be smart to dot your I’s and cross your T’s and mind your damn P’s and Q’s. You do whatever you gotta do to make her back off. Once she is satisfied, you kinda lay low for a while and take it easy so you get off her radar. If you get calls and texts immediately after you have to convince the dude’s wife that all is legit, you don’t answer. It’s kinda that easy. Seriously.

Or maybe not?

Clothing Optional

 

So are some of these guys… 

Apparently houndstooth hoodies with towels is the newest trend. At least you can’t see anyone’s junk. Very hot Semin. Very hot. 

Semin again…this time with a crazy, tight, red print shirt. He’s such a baller. 

Jose with his cane, hat and pimp hand. Take your eyes off the wannabe Huggy Bear (aka Snoop Dog from Starsky & Hutch) outfit and check out his feet. Yes, he is wearing man sandals. They say pimping ain’t easy. However, Jose makes it look pretty easy. I hope he’s not pimping Cody McCormick and John-Michael Liles. 

This cardigan is pretty atrocious. What else can be said. The cute kids make up for it though.

Thank you to Meghan from The Hockey Chronicles for sending me these pictures. I’m not sure where they come from, but if they’re yours and you want them removed or whatever, you know the drill. lulu.brown9@gmail.com.

Washington Capitals New Years Resolutions

I know this is a little late, but like they say, better late than never. Here are what I think our favorite Capitals New Years Resolutions might be.

Nicklas Backstrom – to get a haircut, wash and condition. Keep that beautiful blonde Swedish hair looking good. Backy, we don’t want to have to nickname you Greasy Bear.

Alexander Ovechkin – to stop eating so much nachos and hit the gym. Like the rest of America that makes this resolution, it’s three weeks after the beginning of the New Year, I bet he lived up to his resolution but stopped going a week ago.

Matt Bradley – to give the world more Bradley.

Eric Fehr – to stay cool and funny. Also to not make Brooks Laich jealous of his and Green’s Twitter bromance.

Brooks Laich – Brooksy doesn’t make resolutions at New Years or at any time. His whole life is seriousness and trying to always improve upon himself. He sounds like a lame motivational speaker.

Mike Green – there were several. To get a ’serious’ haircut, play more defense, have a few more bromances, and oh yeah, stop hanging out with Gary the Bear so much.

Tom Poti – ask Mike Green to teach him defense. I already see this resolution failing.

Seymon Varlamov – to date a fat chick.

Dave Steckel – to continue to have the best faceoff win percentage on the Caps. Then the NHL, then…the WORLD. Stecks plan for world domination, one faceoff at a time.

My Little Calendar Boys

Things in general have been a major suckface the past two weeks and when I get home all I really want to do is goof off. To make things more fun and interesting, I found out a few days ago I just snagged a 2nd interview and said interview involves a little take home project/homework. Seriously. Homework, like straight up seventh grade. I haven’t done homework in years. This should be interesting. So I’ve been frantically trying to come up with this awesome presentation but I really, really want to stop working on it to do silly things. Like sleep or eat or blog or play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (trust me, it’s pretty fun to beat up pimps with a nine iron). While I’ve been working, I’ve also been thinking about things. Which is what brings me to this post…

It’s the beginning of the new calendar year and all those little kiosks in the mall are selling calendars of girls asses, puppies, horses, the French countryside, cars, beer of the month, Dilbert, the Jonas Brothers, and whatever other random things you can think to put on a calendar. Today the gears got turning. What if the Caps decided to do a man calendar?

I already know what it would be called: Men of the Washington Capitals (totally clever, I know!)

It would not feature any nudity unless of course it would be Brooks Laich’s month. Then there could be a very high possibility. But it wouldn’t be like that. It’d be tasteful and classy. Like how people try and convince you girly magazines aren’t trashy. “They’re very tasteful and classy”. Right, spread eagle on a bearskin rug just screams class act.

So to do this calendar we’ll need at least 12 Capitals. Most months would just feature one guy, but there are some that could be more than one (hence the more than 12 guys). Every month will have a theme and calendars will be sold for $20 and proceeds will go to benefit some charity. So let’s get down to business. See if you can guess who will be which month.

January – Nicklas Backstrom, dressed up like Baby New Year because he’s cherubic, and blonde and cute. If he were bald and had that blonde looking jheri curl/cow lick thing in the front, he’d look just like a little kewpie doll. Great way to start off the new year!

February – Alex Ovechkin. Ovie needs a winter month so there is absolutely no possibility of him having to go shirtless.  Bundle him up in a parka and a big fuzzy hat…hell, just let him do whatever he wants. He’s Alex Ovechkin. Just don’t let him get undressed.

March – Mike Green. Greenie will be surrounded by things that are green and things that start with the letter G. He will be wearing green shoes, pants and a shirt. We might get some Manic Panic green hair tint. I’m also thinking of having one of those huge three-dimensional letters painted green, lurking in the background. He will have to wear clothing so the flowery girl tattoos are not visible.

April – Boyd Gordon, I mean, Gordicris. We’ll dress Boyd up in some hip hop gear and put him in like a dj booth, so he can pretend to drop hot rhymes. I envision him with those big Top Gun pilot looking headphones and scratching a few records.

May – Varlamov. This shot will take place in the park and he’ll be rollerblading in acid wash jeans, with a matching denim shirt, so it looks like he’s wearing a denim suit. No belt and a wallet on a chain. Oh yeah, his petite, Russian girlfriend will be with him.

June – Karl Alzner. In this shot Alz (I just made up that name) will be in a barber shop, getting his lumberjack beard shaved off after a long playoff run. Beside him will sit the Stanley Cup.

July – Brendan Morrison, dressed up in all that dorky fishing gear that my dad has, casting off into some body of water in the sticks of British Columbia. I heard BMo is/was big on fishing so this seems like a pretty good choice for one of the summer months.

August – Tom Poti. This could go either way. We could have Tom sitting in a park, with a pond full of duckies, posing with his faithful Lab, wearing an outfit that would make him look like a page out of Prep Monthly. OR, we could have hot Tom Poti. Posing shirtless in fireman gear, with a fire truck behind him…dalmatian perched on the top, hose in one hand, axe in the other. It could all be very cute and preppy or very innuendo-laden.

September – The entire Capitals team will take part in this shot. They’ll all be in a white studio with their Caps jerseys and jeans on. There will be no direction, just for them to have fun. Hopefully someone will give someone else bunny ears or will do the “peace” sign thing.

October – Quentin Laing used to be here but Anna at The Hockey Chronicles reminded me that I forgot someone extra special and important…Matt Bradley! So, Laing is gone and Brads is in here. I picture Brads dressed up in some scary Halloween costume, like Pinhead from Hellraiser, or something. Whatever it is, it’s scary and ominous because you don’t fuck with Brads.

November – Dave Steckel. Sitting in a living  room in an OSU football jersey, watching the game and enjoying some adult beverages.

December – Brooks Laich. Picture it. A bedroom with dark wood, a fireplace and a big four-poster bed. Fireplace is lit and if you look at the windows, you can see it’s snowing outside. Oh wait, who’s that lying in bed? That’s right it’s Brooks Laich, waiting to snuggle. Ha! What better way to spend a cold, winter night.

So that’s it. My idea for a Caps calendar. I’d totally buy it. Especially because of December.

My brain is tired, I’m going to rest it. I’ll leave you with this song. Later skaters (not the emo skaters, but the ice skaters)!

Where Are They Now?: Undecided

So it’s been a while since I’ve done a Where Are They Now? post that I almost forget what I’m supposed to do. So this time around I wasn’t sure who to feature. I thought about Riku Hahl and then I thought about Joe Corvo. Riku used to be a Hershey Bears prospect and Joe Corvo was/is a toolbag from the Kings organization. I thought about it and realized that as much as I’d love to tell you all about “every stuff is new,” I would much rather tell you about Joe Corvo.

Joe Corvo was born in Oak Park, IL in 1977 and was drafted in the fourth round by the LA Kings at the 1997 NHL Draft.

Corvo started his ascent into the hockey world with the Omaha Lancers of the USHL in 1994-95. Then he was part of the WJC in Switzerland in 1997 and won silver. He spent three years at Western Michigan University (1995-1998). He’s been up and down between LA and Manchester, then got traded to Ottawa, and is now with the Carolina Hurricanes.

Mr. Covo is also familiar with the US Justice System. Back in the day, when he was with Manchester (I think it was in 2002 or 2003), he was in a barestaurant (that’s my new word for bar/restaurant) and he grabbed a girls butt (the papers/online articles say buttocks…makes me think of Forrest Gump). He was asked to leave and did, but he came back and proceeded to punch the girl in the face and then kick her when she was down. He was charged and pled guilty to his charges and has undergone anger management therapy.

The Manchester Monarchs Fan Club has a whole section on their website devoted to the hot mess that Joe Corvo was/maybe still is. If you’d like to read it, you may do so here.

So that’s it. Next time on WATN? I might revisit the draft class of 1997 or cover Riku Hahl. I’m thinking Riku. He’s super cute.

Mike Green’s Hair

Everyone should know by now that Mike Green got a haircut. Gone is the faux-hawk and in its place is a more preppy, grown up looking Mike Green. Actually, when I first saw the picture of his do it didn’t even look like Mike Green. He looked like Bono. If you haven’t seen it, I would like to present you with Mike Green’s new haircut, thanks to @danawalker.

Before Mike Green settled on the Brent Seabrook do, here were his other choices.

The pompadour. Who knew Mike Green was an Elvis/Lyle Lovett fan? Clearly this haircut choice was not a good one. If it were a little shorter and had a little less volume, it would almost pass for a Patrick Dempsey, ala Grey’s Anatomy Season 1, hairdo.

The blonde mullet. Inspired by Uncle Jesse of Full House. Or maybe Kid Rock?

Peace, love and flowers. Greener as a hippie.

The flat top. Is that Mike Green or a member of Kid n Play?

Dreads. Rasta man.

and finally…

The Dorothy Hamill haircut. How precious.

Question: Why Should You Give Ovie a Video Camera?

Answer: Because it results in jokes at Mike Green’s expense and you know how much I love chirping on Mike Green.

If you’re a Caps fan and you’ve seen the V-Cast Behind the Scenes video on Caps TV, you will get this. If you haven’t seen the video it is kinda funny and available for your viewing enjoyment here.

If  you saw the Winter Classic you probably saw the Verizon V-Cast ad that starred the Caps and the Flyers playing a hockey game on the tarmac. Just a little aside and a little FYI: the dude that jumps over the suitcases is Brooks Laich. Caps TV gave Ovie a video camera the day of the shoot and he filmed some pretty awesome/rude/boring/funny scenes.

First the awesome. At about eight seconds in, you will notice Brooks Laich on the right, getting ready to take off his pants. When I first saw it I was like why is he adjusting himself? But after rewinding it a bazillion times I saw he’s in the process of taking them off. Awesome, eh? I even took a screen capture of the events. I think I might make it my desktop background. Okay, so not really.

It looks like Ovie is giving the introduction into Brooks' pants removal.

Now the rude. Ovie attempted to interview the stylist for the shoot and he asked her a question. She stood there with her too cool for school attitude and when he turned the mic over to her, she goes “I can’t do this” and walks away like a little brat. I didn’t like her.

Boring…there were a lot of uninteresting things, but then when you’ve seen Brooks Laich start to undress, everything else is trivial. Speaking of Brooksy, he was AWOL for most of the behind the scenes stuff. Ovie asks Backstrom where Laich is and Lars didn’t know. So where was he? He was outside skating by himself. The Ovie tells everyone that Brooksy likes to practice a lot.

Funny. At the end of the video there was some joking between Brooks and Ovie about conditioning. Ovie made the comment that Brooks had been outside practicing the whole time and he wasn’t even sweating to which Brooks replied something about good conditioning. Then there was a joke about body fat percentage and Brooks said his was probably lower than Ovie’s. To which Ovie told him “I eat so much nachos.” Ovie likes nachos? Five points for Ovie. He still hasn’t cracked the top fifty in the HIMB Power Rankings though.

So I’ve recapped the video a little, but here’s the main point. In the video Lars Backstrom compares Ovie to Lloyd Christmas and Greener to Fred Flintstone. Did I ever mention I love that Swede? He’s so cute, but he still needs a haircut. And maybe a wash/condition. Greasy, cute, blonde Swedish hair is not attractive. So here we go…my very own Mike Green/Fred Flintstone comparison.

Green kinda looks a little like Jon Gosselin in that picture.

Actually, Greener looks more like a goob in that picture than Fred Flintstone, but hey, Lars says Fred Flintstone so we’ll go with that. They do kinda have the same nose and stuff. Whatever. Here are a few more reasons.

Greener has the Lambo. Fred and Barney have the caveman sports car. I mean honestly, doesn’t Barney’s car look so much like the Lambo? I thought so too. Fred may not own this car, but because he and Barney are such good buds, he gets to travel in it frequently.

Fred and Barney. They were probably the first bromance before the term ever existed. Who’s the first person you think of when you think Mike Green and bromance? That’s right, Brooks Laich. They are the Fred and Barney of the metro DC area. They go together like bread and butter. I wonder if they get into the same kind of shenanigans that Fred and Barney do?

Tell me Bruce Boudreau does not look like Mr. Slate. Give the dude some glasses and they’d be twins. Bruce is Greener’s boss and Mr. Slate is Fred’s boss. They both get mad at their employees often. Well, if Bruce Boudreau isn’t getting mad at Mike Green, he should because Green’s lack of defense is frightening.

I’m not sure if Fred’s supposed to be a caveman or not, but I think he is? So Fred is a caveman. Mike Green creeps in the background while the Geico caveman is getting into trouble. There is another video on Youtube with Bruce Boudreau and Mike Green. It’s called MVP. It’s way better, but only because Boudreau is in it.

The similarities are eerie. I know.

Casting Call!

I was on the Caps website looking for the newfangled and superawesome Caps Radio because apparently it’s supposed to be some cool shit. While I was there I found a bunch of other stuff in the Fan Zone section. I was unaware the Caps had “Red Rockers” which are basically another way of saying Pep Squad/Ice Girl. Red Rockers are seeking energetic and outgoing people who love the game of hockey and want to perform in front of people at the arena. They are a high-energy spirit squad (spirit fingers!!!!!) that interacts with the crowd to make sure everyone has a kick ass experience at a Capitals game (too bad the girls do nothing for me, but Brooks Laich sure does). They pump up the crowd and throw free shit to fans. They also serve as ambassadors for the team at community and other various events. Sounds cool. So I checked out their part of the page and I saw tabs for contact info, appearances and auditions. I thought to myself, “hmm, maybe I should audition to be a Red Rocker.” What a great idea. I read the overview about auditions and this is what I found out.

Requirements:

• 18 years or older (do they really want someone as old as me?)
• In great physical shape which means rail thin (guess that means I have to stop eating that bag of Newman O’s I have and start starving myself.)
• Able to commit to a minimum of 20 home games (living in PA might be a challenge, but it’s all just semantics. I could so make it work.)
• Outgoing and comfortable performing in front of crowds (I’ll perform for Mr. Laich every night, ha that was so unnecessarily inappropriate!)
• Reliable means of transportation (damn, guess that means I have to trade in the burro. Maybe Greener would give me a ride in one of his obnoxious SUVs.)
• High school graduate (damn, I knew there was something too good to be true about this!)
• Love the Capitals! (oh, yes I do.)

What they’re looking for:

• Energetic and outgoing personality
• Poised and professional (When am I anything but!?)
• Dance/Cheer experience a plus (Who has had many years of ballet? M.E. I can also cheer, see: “Be aggressive, be, be, aggressive! Go Caps! Woo!” Awesome, eh?)
• Positive attitude
• Charisma
• Teamwork mentality (Like Brendan Shanahan said: “there is no I in team, but there is an m, e.” I heart you Shanny!)
• Commitment to the job (Job? Do they actually get paid for this shit? Damn.)
• Knowledge of hockey a plus (How many of those girls (guys too because it is co-ed) know what that hard, cold circular thing is? my guess is about 30 percent)

I am going to email my headshot and resume ASAP! If I get a crazy 3 day interview on day one I’ll have to dress in business attire for a 5-10 minute interview. Who really needs to be reminded that you are supposed to dress in business attire for an interview? I guess the same people that wear clubbing clothes and jeans to court (I don’t care if it’s tv court, it’s still a court of law! Dress right)! You should also bring a spearate change of workout clothes for the fitness test portion. They actually do a physical fitness test to determine athletic ability (e.g.: running, bikes, free weights, push ups and sit ups. Sounds like that Presidential Physical Fitness Test you did in middle school). There is also a dance and improv portion to the interview. Sweet. Shake that ass.

Day two of your interview requires you to again dress in business attire, but bring a separate change of form fitting workout clothes, athletic shoes, hair down and makeup done.

Day three you can get down to business and skip the business attire and just go straight for the form fitting dance/athletic top, dance/yoga style pants, athletic shoes, hair down and makeup.

Sign me up now. The team picture cracks me up too. They’re all trying to make the Capitals “W” and they’re trying to make it like a bird, but all it looks like is they’re trying to do some kind of lame pantomime/interpretive dance and they’re doing the hand bird flying away thing.

Shutup and Drive

Okay, time for the post I’ve been talking about for the past few days (or maybe week?). Whatever. This is my third day back to work after an epic vacation and I think work might be kicking my ass. I’m so tired by the time I get home! I’ve also got a very important interview I’m preparing for. So my time here has been scarce.

Hockey players make tons of cheddar (I’m trying to use hip hop terms so I can be like Mike Green. Don’t laugh at me, it’s not nice). They can buy anything and that usually includes mansions, other stuff and large or insanely fast cars. I like cars. Well, I like cool cars, not like Chevy Malibus or anything. I used to be able to tell you anything about any type of Jaguar. I even knew the ‘official’ Jaguar names for colors. There was a discussion on Twitter the other week about Mike Green’s insane love for large, gas guzzling cars. What one single man needs with a Hummer, Escalade, and other SUV (maybe even 2 other SUV’s. I cannot confirm); I’ll never know. Is he secretly running a soccer mom car pool? My other issue is that every car he owns gets horrible gas mileage. People like Paul Gaustad and Andy Ference would not be pleased.

I got to thinking. Why not compare NHLer’s cars and see who is friends with Mother Nature and who isn’t. I’m going off of figures for all 2010 vehicles.

Matt Bradley – I’ve heard he drives a nice Lexus, but someone also said he drives a hybrid. The only hybrid Lexus I know of is the LS Hybrid. So let’s just pretend that’s his car. The LS Hybrid has a V8, 5 litre engine and can go from 0-60 MPH in 5.5 seconds. It’s top speed is 130 MPH and has an estimated 21 mpg EPA. Not bad, but my car is approximately the same size and it gets 31 mpg. Not bad Brads, but not awesome.

Mike Green - Lamborghini Gallardo, Cadillac Escalade, Cadillac Escalade hybrid. What’s the point of owning a Cadillac Escalade and an Escalade hybrid? Not sure, but leave it to Mike Green to make you say “hmmmm?”

Let’s start with the hybrid Escalade. Ew, the only hybrid Escalade they make is 2WD. Who buys an SUV for 2WD? Anyway, the hybrid is an 8 cylinder, 6 litre engine that gets an estimated 21 mpg. That surprises me a little. Okay, a lot. It produces 8.30 tons of greenhouse gas emissions per year. Jonathan Toews also drives an Escalade hybrid.

The regular Escalade I’m going to guess is also 2WD. 8 cylinder, 6.2 litre engine with 14 mpg. It emits 11.40 tons of greenhouse gas emissions per year. Mike Green’s mancrush, Brooks Laich, also drives an Escalade. If that’s the worst thing Brooksy does, then that’s okay.

The Hummer. Anyone that isn’t a member of the military should not drive an H1, so I’m going to say Greener drives an H2. Anyway, the H2 has a V8, 6.2 litre, 393 horsepower engine with a 6-speed automatic engine. It does 0-60 in 8.2 seconds. Technically, the Hummer is a Tahoe or Yukon, with a different body style. They share they same chasis/platform. Found out another interesting fact. GM doesn’t have to disclose the mpg’s for the H2 because of the gross vehicle weight rating, but Car and Driver estimates it at being around 10 mpg. While Edmunds (another great car place) gives it about 9 mpg. Patrick Kaleta and Patrick Kane are also Hummer drivers and boys really trying to make up for something that’s not there.

Mike Green is not eco-friendly. I bet Matt Bradley is  trying to get Greener to recycle or some shit. I would love to see Mike Green hug a tree. He might get his DC shoes or Affliction t-shirt dirty. Oh the horror.

Brent Johnson - Jaguar XK. Oh the beautiful Jaguar XK. Years ago it was the XK8. On an episode of Caps Cars, Johnny showed everyone his sweet Jag convertible. His KX has an 8 cylinder, 5 litre engine. The annual fuel cost is $2,352 and the XK gets a paltry 18 mpg. Doesn’t matter, it’s still a sweet car. I think I heard Donald Brashear has one of these also.

Sidney Crosby - Land Rover Range Rover. Another nice vehicle. Range Rovers have 8 cylinder, 5 litre engines and get around 12 mpg. They produce approximately 13.10 tons of greenhouse gas emissions per year, which is less than at least one of Ovechkin’s cars.

Alexander Ovechkin - Mercedes SL65 AMG, Porsche Cayenne GTS, BMW M6, and from what I hear he’s got more

Ovie’s Mercedes SL65 AMG is another hot car. Not as hot as my dream car, the Aston Martin DB9, but it’s still hot. AMG was founded as a race car engine company and they are working with Mercedes to produce the AMG range of cars that have crazy engines and are high performance. The Black Series treatment includes weight reduction, bucket seats and exterior alterations. All AMG cars are hand-built by one person. Each engine builder stamps the engines he/she built with an engraved plaque bearing their signature. Germans that work on cars are pretty crazy (in a good way) about quality of their work. Since this is one special Mercedes, you’d think it’d produce zero emissions and be like the greatest thing ever. No. This is a high performance car made for speed, not fuel economy. These are from 2009 specs but the SL65 AMG has a 6 litre, V-12 engine and gets an estimated 11 mpg.

Porsche Cayenne GTS. I think these things are so ugly! I don’t care that they’re Porsche’s, they are still ugly! Ovie’s second car gets between 12-16 mpg. It has an 8 cylinder, 4.8 litre engine and produces about 12.2 tons of CO2 annually and consumes approx. 22.8 barrels of petrol a year.

BMW M6…he has too many damn cars for one person. The M5 has a 10 cylinder and 5 litre engine. It gets approx 13 mpg and expends about 1.92 gallons of fuel to drive 25 miles. It produces about 14.1 tons of CO2 each year and consumes approx 26.3 barrels of petroleum a year. Just for reference purposes 1 barrel = 42 gallons, so in this car he is using 1,1o4.6 gallons of fuel each year. Ovie’s got a pretty heavy carbon footprint. (PS: is anyone else concerned that he’s spending his money on tons of fast, expensive cars? However, Ovie does have good taste in fast cars.)

Henrik Zetterberg - BMW M5, BMW X5

The M5 can’t be much different from the M6 that Ovechkin drives. It really isn’t. They both use the same amount of petrol a year and they both expend the same amount of CO2 in a year. The M5 is probably just a little smaller and has a few less features than the M6. Kinda like the Maxima and Altima. Essentially the same car, just different features.

BMW X5. There are four different types of X5 and they all get around 14-18 mpg (except the diesel engine, it gets a few more mpg’s. His cars are kinda boring.

So there you have it. Some NHLers and the cars they drive. If you want to see how your car stacks up on gas and carbon emissions, visit www.fueleconomy.gov. Does your car do better than any of these? My dream car Aston Martin is not very fuel-efficient or environmentally friendly, but who cares. It’s hot (and it’s not like I’ll ever own it anyway).

Good night kids!

The Oilers Like Red Snapper

I was going to say The Oilers Like Buttery Nipples or Sex with an Alligator, but I didn’t want to get tagged as porn or anything.

People are still talking about the Oilers crazy New Years Eve bash at that restaurant in Calgary. I am one of those people. It really isn’t a big deal, but it kinda is, because it shows that professional athletes that get paid way better than you and me, can act like complete idiots. Puck Daddy has more to the story, but here’s the part that gets me.

The Oilers claim the restaurant adjusted the bill, they left $12,000 and “a generous tip of about $1,800.”

Their bill was originally supposed to be $18,000 but it was amended to be something else. So if their bill was $18,000 and they left that ‘generous tip’, that’s only ten percent. Anyone that has worked in food service would be insulted at a ten percent tip. Say you went out to TGIFriday’s and had steak or whatever and your bill was $25. Your waitress was awesome. Are you really only going to leave her $2.50? That’s ten percent. That is cheap.

Even with their amended total of $12,000, the generous tip works out to be 15 percent. That’s the average you should tip anyone for normal service. You only give people crappy ten percent tips if the service sucked. I had a friend once that never tipped and would always work the server ragged. I would always compensate for her lack of tip because I think that’s repulsive. Most servers in restaurants (even upscale ones) make minimum wage or less (it’s usually like $3.50 an hour or something like that). They rely on tips to make their money. However, I have to question the restaurant a little. It was a large party. Why wasn’t a gratuity automatically added to the bill? When you go to most decent restaurants or country clubs, they add a gratuity of 18 percent to the bill on parties of eight or more.

So if you’re not a ten percent tipper, rest assured in knowing that you’re not as cheap as Shawn Horcoff who’s pulling in $7 mil a year or Ales Hemsky, who’s making a cool $4.4 mil a year.

There’s been some chatter the past few days on Twitter about Mike Green’s cars. I like cars. Especially nice, luxury ones. I have an idea for my next post to compare NHLer’s cars. I know, it’s like having a subscription to Car and Driver Magazine.

Stay tuned sports fans!

Hockey Stories of Yesteryear

I just got a Twitter update from @KuklasKorner about this:

The owner of an upscale Calgary restaurant is furious, claiming that Edmonton Oilers players refused to cover the full cost of a nearly $18,000 tab during a recent night out for team members.

Players were dining at Osteria De Medici, an upscale restaurant in northwest Calgary after their game against the Calgary Flames Thursday night.

Maurizio Terrigno, owner of the eatery, says the team was partying with a group of 45 people and ran up a huge bill, which included a bar tab worth close to $8,000.

The whole article can be found by visiting the above link. It’s a pretty funny story that basically says the Oilers racked up a huge tab and got all stingy when they had to pay up. This reminds me of a Hershey Bears story I have…

About six years ago Applebees was the Hershey Bears post-game meal place. You’d go there and tons of HBH players would be there enjoying riblets or whatever. As a perk for being a player and because Applebees was a sponsor, story goes that Applebees took 50% off their bills. Pretty nice, eh? Yeah, I thought so too. Rumor has it that on occasion a former Hershey Bear would order, eat most of his meal and then complain about said meal to either 1) get another one or 2) get out of paying for it.

Come on, you’re getting 50% off and it’s Applebees. Not like you’re going to Bar Americain and filet with sides is like $70. Pay the freaking $11 f or your steak or ribs or whatever you cheapass. Talk about taking advantage of a perk. That’s some weak-ass shit.

Thursday Quickie: Inappropriate Questions

Far be it from me to be inappropriate…wait, I’m always inappropriate. Anyway, I was surfing the interwebs and I found a few new blogs to follow. It seems like on just about every blog I’ve been reading, there is a lot of talk about the ESPN (thank you Cameron Frye for telling me it was ESPN and not SI) Body Issue. Particularly the picture of the Oilers (lots of talk about Chara’s picture too). I’m sure you all know which picture I’m referring to. Before I go any further, I must say if you’re male or under the age of 18, you shouldn’t read any further. If you’re female and over 18 (or if you’re a troubled teen and you do what you want) continue below at your own risk.

Brooks Laich and the C

This post is going in two different directions. I’ll start with the legit hockey one first. You can read my silliness later if you wish.

Everyone knows the fate Chris Clark and Milan Jurcina suffered at the hands of the Capitals organization. If you don’t, here’s the short of it. Clarkie and Juicy were traded to the Blue Jackets (yes, they’re in Columbus) for Jason Chimera and others. What does this mean for the Capitals? Aside from awesome Juicy being gone, it also means the Caps will need a new captain. BB wants to take time to find the right captain and not rush into it, out of respect to Clarkie but everyone else is abuzz with their opinion of who should wear the “C”. People are thinking Ovie should get it, Knuble, or even BMo (which is a maybe for me. I mean come on, he grew the porno stache for Movember and it was a pretty good one too). There are even people talking about Brooksy and I definitely agree. A few days ago I made a remark that he should get it when Clarkie gets put out to pasture (maybe I should stay stud, pasture makes me think of a fat old cow. Stud is a  good, handsome racehorse) stud. I’m still standing by that comment that Laich should be the captain. He might not have tens of years of NHL experience but he should get a shot to try it. Maybe hold auditions for the “C”. He loves the Capitals and if he’s not the captain, I’m still going to call him the face of the Washington Capitals.

Now, for the silliness…

C not only stands for “Captain” but it also stands for “Cougar”. This is the real reason for my post,  but the Clark/Juicy thing just kinda happened and it fit; PLUS I wanted to give you some hockey content, no matter how limited it might be. In the same post I talked about Clarkie going out to stud, I mentioned how Brooksy’s new nickname is LL Hot Laich. See, I was trying to do a play on LL Cool J. You know his real name isn’t LL Cool J (it’s really James Todd Smith). It’s just a stage name meaning Ladies Love Cool James. What does LL Cool J have to do with Brooks Laich? Simple. The Ladies Love Cool James but the ladies also love Brooks Laich. I’m told he is especially attractive to, you guessed it, cougars. Therefore, LL Hot (because he’s not cool, he’s hot) Laich.

I am not a cougar, but according to urbandictionary.com, I am a few years away from being a puma (a younger cougar in training). Still, even though I’m quite a way from being a cougar (and I’m not quite a puma), I know why the ladies love Brooks Laich and I’m going to go out on a limb and guess why he’s attractive to cougars. Before I can say anything, we’ve got to mention a few generalizations about cougars. Cougars are usually older, good-looking women with their personal/professional shit together. Most of them take pretty good care of themselves. They want a young guy that will keep them feeling young. So here’s why he’s attractive to the other C. Brooksy seems like a pretty confident, wise and sage-y kinda guy. He’s still young, but mentally/emotionally he seems wise beyond his years. Also, his job requires him to be in good shape. Who would want a bald, beer bellied lawyer over a studly little Brooks Laich? Someone that’s either stupid or lying. Then there’s the good looks and everything. And let’s face it, if you can put up with Mike Green as a friend, you’ve got to be a pretty mellow, easy-going kind of guy and cougars do not want drama queens. Almost reminds me of Mark Messier. Even the chin/jaw. Let’s hope Brooksy does not date Madonna. Yikes.

That’s it for now. I’m off on my quest to figure out how to make an auto-run CD.

Have a great New Years everyone!

Elementary School Revisited

I’m really not sure what made me think of this, but boy am I really glad I did. Who remembers that cheesy game girls used to play in elementary school called MASH? MASH is kinda like that thing you’d make with paper, only I don’t know what that thing is called or how to make one anymore. You’d write down the names of boys, cars, jobs and crap and it was supposed to ‘predict” who you’d marry, how many kids you’d have, if you’d live in a Mansion/Apartment/Shack/House, etc… You really can find anything on the internet and if you don’t believe me just Google “virtual drug dealer” and you will find quite possibly the most horrifying and awesome game on the internet. Second to “virtual drug dealer” is the game MASH (By the way, if you play VDD I suggest buying the coat with the extra pockets and never refuse gifts from your crackhead friend).

So I found MASH and immediately remembered the days of elementary school when you’d put all the cute boys names on the list and play. To make it a little more fun and to make me seem like more of a creeper, I decided to use Caps/Bears names because after all, I do love the Caps/Bears. Here are my results and I would just like to point out that I did not fudge the results at all.

Yes, that’s right…I will marry Brooks Laich. I must say I was pretty excited when ‘one of the ice guys’ were the first to go off the list. However, I was sweating it when the 15 kids were one of the last two options. I am a little sad too that I won’t get to be an epic bitch, but I will get to shamelessly self-promote my husband Brooks Laich through charity work and stuff. I’m pretty excited about that. However, I am concerned that we’ll be living in Hershey. Not only are the property taxes extremely high, but that would mean he’d be getting some type of demotion. That is not good.

Just having a little fun on Christmas Eve day.

Happy Holidays from Hockey Is My Boyfriend

I figured this would be a nice alternative to holiday cards. To wish you a Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanzaa, I enlisted the help of some hockey players…Eric Fehr, Brooks Laich, Patrick Kaleta, Chris Bourque, and Andrew Gordon. I must say these elves have got some pretty good moves. Check out Eric Fehr breaking it down! Anyway, Happy Holidays!!!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Fun on Behalf of Mike Green

It wouldn’t be a Monday or any day of the week ending in -day if we couldn’t have a little fun on Mike Green’s behalf. As of Monday, December 20th, the five-day moratorium on Mike Green heckling is over. This post is pretty epic in length, so that’s why I’m starting it on Sunday. If you’ve been reading this blog you know there are two things I love more than chirping Mike Green. That’s chirping Chris Bourque and watching television. Most good tv shows are on break now so there’s nothing really good on and I’m trying really hard to not think about Chris Bourque being in Hershey again. It’s like the Christmas present that you really don’t want and can’t return. Anyway…

You might be asking me, “you really give Greenie a hard time. Why?” Easy. Because. No. I love Mike Green (in a completely different way than I do Brooks Laich). I really do. But over the past few years Green has got a little too big for his britches. He’s changed from a sassy Calgarian into this flamboyant city guy and making fun of him is just fun and easy. Everyone does it. Like picking on the fat kid in elementary school. You know you did it, so why deny it. Anyway, moving on again.

If you remember a few weeks ago, I was bemoaning the fact that Mike Green was Tweeting after a pretty craptacular loss. In his Tweet he was telling everyone to “not hate”. Play on playa hata! Whatever I just said. That same night Meghan from The Hockey Chronicles was yelling at Greener, reminding him he was white.

That got me thinking (yes I know how dangerous that is) about a book (that is also available in web format) called “Stuff White People Like”. I would like to thank CapsKat19 and megHamonster for their awesome Google image search skills. Without their help this post would not be possible. I have no idea where they found these, but if the image is yours and you’d like it to be removed, let me know. No copywright infringement intended.

#4. Assists
So this isn’t actually a picture of Mike Green assisting on a goal, but let’s pretend it is. Not only is Mike Green the kind of offensive defenseman that likes to score goals, he also likes to assist. Since his professional ice hockey career began he has assisted on 196 goals (2008 Olympics stats included). This year he is currently ranked 1oth (league-wide) in assists. Our Greener likes to pass. Too bad he doesn’t like to play defense that much anymore.

#40. Apple Products
If you’ve ever seen any Caps-related video you know that Greener loves him some Apple. In his Caps Cribs episode, you see his new Mac in his bedroom, plus the Apple logo he painted in his off time and his Macbook in the living room. He Tweets from an app on his iPhone. Mike Green loves Apple and was contributing to their $4.83 billion net income and 14.88 percent profit margin in FY2008. Stimulate that economy.

#106. Facebook
Greenie is in the digital suburbs with Facebook. I never Facebook stalked Mike Green or even looked to see if he had a personal Facebook page. I do however know he has a fan page. I was a fan and I’m secure enough to say that. Just like I’m okay saying I follow GreenLife52 on Twitter. Look at that picture and I bet you’ll never guess what Mike Green Facebook’s on? That’s right, a Mac. Greenie loves Facebook and Macs. If I still had a Facebook account, I would totally try to Facebook stalk him.

#79. Modern Furniture
Modern furniture is expensive and uncomfortable. Not that I’m condoning a purchase of that crappy, overstuffed Ashley furniture, but who really wants to sit on a chair that looks like an egg or is about as sturdy as a toothpick? Mike Green, that’s who.

#24. Wine
Mike Green’s wine ‘cellar’ or in this case, room because I don’t think his condo would have a cellar. Anyway, he appears to have a nice collection and is quite a wine aficionado. Unless he’s just posing and all those bottles are really Arbor Mist or Boone’s Farm. Just be glad you don’t see any wine in a box. I wonder what his favorite type of wine is? Greenie looks like a white zin kinda guy. He could be a Bordeaux or Cabernet Sauvignon fan.

103. Sweaters
That is a cardigan and a damn ugly one at that. Check out what SWPL has to say about cardigans:

young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.

Tshirt? Check. Cardigan? Check. Two cool items of clothing.

#111. Pea Coats
Look at that picture and you will without a doubt see that he is wearing a pea coat. I was really wishing I’d find him wearing some type of outdoor performance gear because that would make this post that much more awesome, but I can’t find anything and my Google image masters have already done enough work. I remember in college everyone had a pea coat. Everyone. They were always black too.

As much as I hate to say it, maybe he should have bought that coat in a larger size. I wonder if it’s from the Army/Navy store of if he shelled out $1,000+ for one at Burberry. Either way, the jacket could be a size bigger. I notice a little pulling across the buttons.

#102. Children’s Games as Adults
I have no idea what is going on in this picture, where it came from, if alcohol was involved, why he is wearing sunglasses inside and/or why he is hugging a guy like that, but what I do know is that Mike Green is participating in a rousing game of ….Operation. I would know that game from anywhere. If he can get the spare ribs or the water on the knee, I will be insanely jealous. I could never get the stupid ribs.

Maybe Greenie could have had a career as a surgeon? Paging Dr. Green to OR two. Who knows, he could have even been a TV doctor, like Dr. Drake Ramoray. But let’s hope he wouldn’t fall down an elevator shaft. Poor Joey.

#1. Coffee
White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They are also fond of saying “you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.”

It looks like the camera caught him before he got his morning coffee. That appears to be a Starbucks cup in his hand. I wonder if Greenie has a Keurig and is a fan of ‘fair trade’ coffee. That’d be a great interview question (not really) for someone “Mike, how do you take your coffee?” I’m sure the world wants to know!

#97. Scarves
Mike Green is regulating his body temperature the best way everyone knows how…by wearing a scarf indoors. People do this everywhere. I see a lot of it at work and I don’t get it. Turn the heat up or dress warmer. He’s warm enough to not need a long sleeve shirt, but not warm enough so he has to wear a thin, checkered print scarf. With fringes! The scarf isn’t even covering his neck. Who taught you how to tie a scarf Green? It almost looks like it could be an ascot, which is just weird. I understand some scarves are accessories, but those are the 2′ x 2′ squares that women tie around their neck or guys use a pocket squares. Mike Green, your scarf cannot double as a pocket square and you are not a woman!

#84. T-Shirts
Of course all of Green’s t-shirts are either Affliction or Element or that Obey crap you see Spencer (of Speidi fame) wearing. I thought I recalled a time when I saw Greenlife52 was following Threadless t-shirts on Twitter. At least he’s not sporting the “Getting Lucky in Kentucky” shirt. Classic.

#121. (Funny or Ironic) Tattoos
Everyone knows Michael has tattoos. Lots of them. Are any of them funny and/or ironic? No. However, he does have a tribal tattoo and those are the wrong kind of tattoos. Like tramp stamps and tattoos of children’s/spouses faces. Creep city. I don’t know why I was expecting him to have something like “GREEN LIFE” across his stomach in the thug life scripty font writing.

So there you have it. Again I’d like to than Meghan from The Hockey Chronicles and CapsKat19 for finding me these lovely pictures. I would also like to thank Mike Green for being a good sport about all the things I chirp him about. I love you Greenie, even if you are a tool sometimes.

Now that my wrist has lost all feeling from all this typing, it’s time to go.

Until later my lovelies!

Crazy Blog Search Terms

Since there’s a five-day hiatus on Mike Green jokes and since I haven’t been to a hockey game since I saw Greg Amadio that night at Giant, I need to blog about something. What better to blog about than the crazy search terms that people use and hit my blog. I know, I kinda just did this a few days ago, but this is a little different. Now I’m just going to pick out the weird and wacky terms. Onward ho…

Who thought of hockey?
No one really knows who thought of hockey or when, but I’ve heard anything from it being a game natives (as in non-India Indians) played or settlers from the UK. The first recorded hockey games were played by British soldiers stationed in Kingston and Halifax during the mid-1850s. In the 1870s, the first known set of ice hockey rules were drawn up by students at McGill University or, to butcher the French language, “Universitie de McGill”. Pretty bad eh?

Chris Bourque drunk
I’m sure he is drunk a lot. Looking at him would be a whole hell of a lot easier if you were drunk. I know you can get drunk playing the Chris Bourque Drinking Game. However, the rules need to be edited since he is not a Penguin anymore.

Brooks Laich lonely
I’m not sure if Brooks Laich is lonely, but if he is I am more than happy to help him out with that. Drop me a line Brooksy. Ovie thinks he’s the ladies man, but in all reality you know the ladies love Brooks Laich. That’s going to be a new nickname for him “LL Hot Laich”. Get it? LL Cool J (Ladies Love Cool J)? Yeah, I know. Work with me people.

Washington Capitals (I also got Washington Capitols) snuggies
Someone is seriously searching for this? They do exist. However I would be very apprehensive to purchase one. Not only is a Snuggie horribly offensive, but one covered with the Washington Capitals Weagle is just tragic.

Kyle Wilson Capitals girlfriend?
Sorry dears, Kyle Wilson is MARRIED. Recently married. There was a write up in one of the Bears programs that followed the Calder Cup on it’s summer vacation. It mentioned the cup was at Wilson’s wedding in the Philly area. I know y’all think he’s cute and whatnot, but move on, he is taken. If you even think about macking on that shit a red warning light and buzzer should go off telling you to leave him alone.

How do hockey player’s travel?
AHL usually by bus and mid-level hotels. If the games are far, far away or if it’s the Calder Cup finals and you’re the rich Hershey Bears, you’ll fly. NHL teams fly and stay in upper-level hotels. ECHL teams charter bus it and stay at like the Holiday Inn (not the Holidae Inn as Chingy would have you believe). I’m sure lower leagues are probably riding the cheese wagon (school bus or something similar) and something horrible like the Red Roof Inn or camping. Euro teams, I think someone told me they bus it and a lot of teams/leagues don’t travel overnight.

Tarik said Kyle Wilson is a scratch tonight. Could he be on his way back to Hershey soon? Since the five-day moratorium is soon over, I’m going to start working on a new post. That way it will be done and perfect when the ban is lifted.

Caps and Avs

Last night was Kyle Wilson’s NHL debut. It was his birfday and he had two points. What a birthday Kyle! Although BB said he could have had four or five. While Kyle isn’t my favorite Hershey Bear, he’s okay and I’m glad for him. There’s an article about his first game and a short clip at the bottom of CSN Washington about his first shift in the NHL. I tried to link it but apparently I can’t so you’ll have to actually go to the article. Sorry. I know it sucks.

 It took me about half of the interview to remind me that Craig Laughin, the guy interviewing Kyle, sounds a lot like Tennessee Tuxedo. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you obviously watched shitty cartoons when you were younger and not the awesome ones I did (either that or you’re younger than me!). In any case, who would I be to keep you from witnessing the awesomeness that is Tennessee Tuxedo and his sidekick Chumley the Walrus. I would give good money to hear Craig Laughlin say “Tennessee Tuxedo will not fail.” Enjoy.

In other news, Mike Green was delivered a crushing blow last night. Apparently his eye is five different kinds of crazy. This morning I didn’t know what was going on but I saw a video of the hit. While I was watching the video, I noticed this and it made me feel slightly bad about the post I was thinking of doing about Mike Green and the Stuff White People Like (so that’s on hold for a bit. There is a five day moratorium on Mike Green humor.) and for a second, and only a very fleeting second, I wanted to give Greenie a hug. I mean, there he is, everyone’s favorite mess. Shaken and lying along the boards after a blind sided hit by David Koci. Where are most of his teammates? Oh, they’re watching the fight between Erskine and Koci. Oh and Jose is skating around, trying to pass the time. No one comes over to be like “hey are you alright?”. Where is Brooksy? Surely he is beside himself that the other half of the Baby Blue Sound Crew is in this predicament.

I would like to millionth the calls for Brooks Laich as next Washington Capitals captain. I heard the Caps were shorthanded on defensemen last night and Brooksy spent the 3rd period filling in. Way to step it up and be the ultimate team player. Nothing wrong with Clark now, but when he’s put out to pasture, I think Cougar Bait should get the “C”. But please tell all the women 35 and up that “C” does not stand for Cougar. It is not an invitation.

In a short aside, John Erskine’s new nickname is Hot Pocket. You can all thank the Miz over at the Fight For Old DC for that. He couldn’t be more right on about it.

Alright, I will catch you all later. I’ve got to finish up holiday shopping! I’m trying to make plans for my next Hershey Bears adventure (they’re not adventures like they used to be). December 26th vs Syracuse or December 27 vs Norfolk might be the only ones I can make. Actually I would love to go to the December 20th game against the Marlies, just for Ugly Holiday Sweater Night. Oh Mark Wotton, where are you when we need you for this?

If a Hockey Player Could Be a Literary Work

Chris Bourque would be a Greek tragedy.

Today the Caps sent Nylander to the Grand Rapids Griffins. I don’t understand the CBA, collective bargaining or anything, but from what I read the Caps still have to pay Nyls which I guess makes him like the highest paid AHL-er ever. The Caps have to pay him but his salary doesn’t count toward the cap, which gives the Caps approx. an extra $5 mil to play with. So what’d the Caps do?

Call up Chris Bourque? The guy they wanted to keep but put on waivers because of salary cap issues? No. They went ahead and called up Kyle Wilson and Karl Alzner. Oh yeah, and they sent Matthieu Perrault down to the HBH.

I tried to not mention anything about Bourque’s return because I don’t care for him, but I guess it’s finally time to talk about the elephant in the room.

So what’s wrong with Bourque? They put him on waivers, the Pens claimed him and that turned out to be a hilarious disaster. Then the Pens waived him and the stupid ass Caps pick him back up. Since his return to Hershey he hasn’t been doing bad. So then why not call him up? I mean, you waived him and picked him up again. There must be something about him you like since you’re so hell bent on keeping him around.

Or maybe it’s some kind of  sick, twisted plot the Caps are hatching to keep Chris Bourque toiling away in the minor leagues so that he never gets called up to Washington and makes them suck, but they keep him because they don’t want to let him go to one of their rivals in the chance he turns out to be decent.

If you’re Chris Bourque, how do you feel about this?

I’m not sure if I feel sad for him or if I’m loving his seemingly lifetime suspension in the minors. Call it schaedenfreude or whatever you like.

In Honor of Mike Knuble…

being a fan of the show Jersey Shore, I decided to superimpose the heads of the Capitals onto the blowouts and bodies of others. Clearly, the quality of the photos is not great. I am really really bad at Photoshop blending and stuff. Be lucky I figured out how to cut the head off one person and paste it on the body of another! Anyway, ignore the bad graphics and enjoy. I would like to thank Get Off Our Island and Guido Fist Pump and Google for any images I might have found.

First up is BMo. This is probably the most hair BMo has had since he was 17. It cracks me up how orange the other two guys are. Clearly, BMo does not fit in with the fist pumpers. He should stick to growing the porno ’stache. The rest are pretty bad, so I’m going to save the two best pictures for last.

He might not be an official Washington Capital, but at one point in time he was a prospect. I’m talking none other than Maryland boy Stephen Werner. Striking a pose, representin’ straight up with the whatever. I’m really bad at this. I love it how giant his head looks but I hate that I keep erasing everyones eyebrows when I try to blend. Moving on…

 

And ShaMo. Again, he’s missing his eyebrows because I suck at blending and it looks like he’s balding. I didn’t know ShaMo knew Joey Buttafuoco? What is up with his shirt? If you look in the background there’s a pretty ugly light and what appears to be some type of candy cane holiday decorations. Why are you wearing a sleeveless shirt in wintertime?

This is quite possibly  the worst one. Fehric doesn’t have an ear because I smudge/erased it. He’s also got one of the highest foreheads ever. Ever. Photoshop skills = fail. I almost feel bad for him. He looks so…pretty, but not in a good way. However, Eric Fehr’s blowout looks awesome. Do you know how much hair gel it takes to get it like that? A lot.

I’m not sure if this is the best one or if the next shot is. This was probably the easiest of the pictures. Greenie’s face fits perfectly. Seriously, not much editing…okay, so really none, was required. I also managed to keep his eyebrows intact which, snaps for me. Is it wrong for me to be frightened of this picture? It’s almost eeriely fitting for Lambogreenie.

Since this entire post started just because of him, I’m going to end on this picture. Noobs is flashing signs, telling everyone he’s “real”. He’s got his gold chain, hair all greased up and teased out, faux-Lacoste polo with the popped collar. He is ready for business as a stone cold pimp. Again, really bad at this urban, lingo thing.

Anyway, that’s that. I hope it was as fun for you as it was for me.

Friday Five: Blog Search Terms

I hate to say that I check my blog stats every day because I don’t want to look dorky, but I do. When I check them there are always the usual “[insert hockey players name here]’s girlfriend” searches and then there are really general terms like “laptop” or really strange ones. Today I’m going to celebrate five (okay so more like seven) strange ones.

people doing essays - Are The Caps Still on Summer Vacation
Not sure what’s going on with this term but hey, whatever, that’s cool if you’re scouring the internet looking for something about people doing essays.

muscular guy backs – Just Another Reason Why
I completely forgot I compared Mike Green to a cross between an emo/skater/punk and one of those guido’s on MTV’s Jersey Shore. Ha, I love the thought of Mike Green having a blowout.

not balding – Van Wilder Plays for the Capitals? Wha?
The first sign of BMo’s bald spot. Maybe he can use the hair from the porno ’stache as his donor area.

do wifes travel with hockey players – Why Hockey Players Make Bad Boyfriends
And to answer that question, yes, sometimes they do. So if you’re thinking you’re going to go on the road and chase some hockey guy you like that’s married, don’t.

louis robitaille not liked in the hockey world – Capitals Blast From the Past
No, people really don’t like Louis Robitaille. Well that’s not really true. People like him when he’s on their team but not when they’re playing against him. Although in real life he is kinda a turd. While I was searching for this hit I found this other one. To be posted on there don’t you have to be a real celebrity?

tyra banks and hockey white boyfriend
I’m not going to tell you what it linked to because that will ruin the surprise, but you’ll figure it out soon enough. This term kinda made me go “huh?” and  then I did some Googling and found out the hockey white boyfriend referred to this guy. Apparently the two dated back in Tyra’s early years. When I read it I was horrified for Tyra. I mean, the bald head and confidence is hot, but ew. It’s icky for Tyra.

jamie pushor strippers
I know nothing about this nor have I ever mentioned anything like that on here. Woah! If you Google this exact term and hit the cache of the 2nd hit you get, it’s interesting. But be forewarned, it’s one of those talk-sports ones so take it with a grain of salt.

So that’s it. I will be in the NJ most of the weekend (no, not the Jersey Shore and if I were I would probably stay inside the entire time because Jersey Shore guys are total creepers) so you might not hear from me much.

Unrelated but I have to share it with you. Unless you’re one of my readers that lives somewhere warm and awesome like Florida, Texas, Arizona, etc… you’ve probably been noticing the gale force winds and sudden dip in temperature. If you’re like me and already wearing the down parka and winter gear, you know how much you hate mittens and gloves. Every freaking pair of mittens/gloves makes me a total butterfingers. I can’t dig around in my bag and grab things, manuver keys or do anything else because the gloves/mittens are so bulky and awkward. Just wanted to let everyone know I’ve found the most awesome pair of gloves ever. I was looking for a pair of gloves to wear outside running in the cold so I headed over to an athletic store and found the UnderArmour ArmourStretch glove.  I can’t find a picture of them online that doesn’t show a man’s glove or something with a camoflauge print. I can guarantee you mine are not men’s nor are they camo print. Anyway, they’re pretty awesome lightweight gloves with this crazy silicone grip on the palm that lets you grab and manipulate anything. They are that awesome. Worth $30.